by David Comfort

Having a kid is nothing if not a character-building experience. Even non-kidders can’t help but admire the patience, perseverance, and selfless devotion of the average mom or dad.

But the price of such maturity is not cheap. The toddler stage is often just a warm-up for the Terrible Twos through Terrible Teens.

Here are a few challenges parents face during this period that make CKO’s (Conscientious Kid Objectors) thankful for Just Saying Fucking No from the get-go.

1. Not sleeping for two to twenty years while listening to MegaDeath and Nine-Inch-Nails karaoke on play-loop in the nursery.
2. Getting asked “WHY?” 100,000 times for two decades.
   Saying “Because I SAID SO!” Then getting asked WHY??? again.
   Or getting completely ghosted.
3. Confessing that you’re a liar: Santa Claus is a fraud. Which is why there is no pony, PlayStation, or AK-47 under the Christmas tree.
4. Every grown-up’s deja vu nightmare: Having to figure out and do your kid’s homework. Or fake it.
5. Juggling the many mom and dad at-home careers: Uber driver, tutor, maid, cook, cop, counselor, coach, cheerleader, paramedic, spy, financial consultant, loan shark.
6. Riding the thrill-of-victory / agony-of-defeat rollercoaster of your kid’s sports career. Surviving the final agony-of-defeat: when they fail to score a seven-figure NBA or NFL contract, or even a college scholarship.
7. Finding out just how square you are despite heroic efforts to be hip.
   In other words, finding out your clone doesn’t want to be seen in public with you.
8. Car insurance hike after their first texting or vaping Hit-and-Run in the family car.
9. First bill from the orthodontist, shrink, sexual reassignment specialist, and/or tattoo & piercing artist.
10. Your son sues you for forcing him into violin lessons, for stealing his stash, or circumcising him without his consent. And, if that fails, for giving birth to him.
    Your daughter sues you for pulling her Visa or nose-ring, grounding her before a Swiftie concert, or for filing a Restraining order on her biker boyfriend. And if that fails, for giving birth to her.
    And finally:
11. Your kid has just turned 35. Why is s/he still living in the basement or crawlspace?