By Martin H. Levinson

If we all owned guns we’d get faster service at the
DMV, be listened to more respectfully in the office.
Muggers would think twice about robbing Jesus on
the street because the son of God could be packing a
pistol and passersby might take pleasure in blowing the
lowlifes away. The meekest among us would feel as
confident as Napoleon, Jennifer Lopez, or Donald Trump
knowing threats by bullies could be easily discharged by

shooting off a round or two at folks favoring gun control
who argue children die in gun-related accidents, guns and
domestic violence are a deadly duo, individuals do not have
a basic right to bear arms and legs and hands and feet and
why do lily-livered liberals want to take away our fundamental,
God-given prerogative to have guns, glorious guns, hot bullets
and powder, guns, glorious guns, New England Clam Chowder.

If the good Lord didn’t want us to possess firearms he wouldn’t
have given people trigger fingers. Humans top the food chain
because we got to the ordnance first, ahead of the chimps, apes,
gorillas, bonobos, orangutans and all the other beasts who would
have made Homo sapiens a moveable feast if they’d gotten their
mitts on the hardware before us. Guns are good for clam digging
stirring soup, adrenaline rushes and make excellent paperweights.
There’s nothing like an AK-47 to keep your documents in place.
20 February 2016

Martin H. Levinson is the author of nine books and numerous articles, plays, and poems on various subjects, including The Levinson Report: Cutting Edge Satire for Geniuses Like You. He is a member of the Authors Guild, National Book Critics Circle, and the book review editor for ETC: A Review of General Semantics. His website can be accessed at martinlevinson.com.