By Bruce Lader

12 February 2017

Reserve far in advance for this restaurant named after
the last Pyrenean ibex. Celia’s authentic wildlife atmosphere
of real wolf heads, Blue Hyacinth Macaws and Saint Francis’
Satyr butterflies definitely merits the set gratuity of 50%
per guest. Aquariums of orange roughy, bocaccio rockfish
and Maltese rays surround gastronomes at tables made of
monkey-puzzle trees.

Their delectable Ganges shark-fin soup is going faster than the
Philippine eagle. Discerning palates won’t want to miss the
dwindling swift’s eggs poached from nests atop cliffs of
Borneo, blended in a chowder perfectly spiced.

Savor a stunning appetizer like pangolin from the omnivorous
menu as you watch the anteaters forage on Virtual Life Video
and indulge in the smuggled green sea turtle. Remember
to order sides of gorilla brain with beluga sturgeon caviar.

The entrées not only speak volumes, they sing arias, though
the steamed tongue of Amazon river dolphin tasted a trifle
off-key. A chilled bottle of Siberian tiger wine complements
the pièce de résistance, filet of Chinese giant salamander.
A couple of caveats: The gaur can be gristly out of season,
and the sirloin of African elephant is sweeter and much
more tender if a calf, prepared extremely rare.

Leave plenty of room for a disappearing dessert; tell your
friendly waiter you are celebrating a birthday or anniversary
and get a free slice of honey-glazed baby orangutan generously
garnished with Asian rhino-horn powder. Don’t miss out,
reserve before Celia’s moves to another planet, in time for the
all-you-can-eat clearance sale on pickled humans.

Nonpareil comestible standards and cordiality earn the famed
landmark seven heavenly kakapo feathers, finest dining on
Earth. $$$$$$$

Bruce Lader’s work has appeared in The Literary Journal of the Kurt Vonnegut Memorial Library: So It Goes, Poetry, New York Quarterly, The Bloomsbury Anthology of Contemporary Jewish American Poetry, Harpur Palate, Against Agamemnon: War Poems anthology, and other magazines. Červená Barva Press published Fugitive Hope and nominated “Winter Night Fugue” for a 2015 Pushcart Prize. His other books include, Embrace (Big Table Publishing, 2010), Landscapes of Longing (Main Street Rag Publishing, 2009), and Discovering Mortality (March Street Press, 2005), a finalist for the Brockman-Campbell Book Award. Winner of the 2010 Left Coast Eisteddfod Poetry Competition. He has received a writer-in-residence fellowship from The Wurlitzer Foundation, and is the Director of Bridges Tutoring, an organization that educates multicultural students. Author site: http://www.brucelader.com.