By Dan Geddes

WASHINGTON – A recent Langley University study has found that today’s youth are simply “too lazy” to protest wars or economic injustice.

The study, commissioned by the Department of Homeland Security and the FBI, sought to understand the “lack of anti-war protests among today’s generation compared to the past, such as in the 1930s or the 1960s.”

Langley University in Langley, Virginia is a top social research institution, and is frequently commissioned by intelligence agencies to conduct social research.

Dr. Allen Dulles, the Edward Bernays Professor of Social Psychology at Langley, stated: “Somehow American military adventures over the last few decades have not stirred up a significant anti-war movement in the U.S. Young people today care about many causes, but beyond posting on social media most are not motivated into actual activism.”

Dr. Dulles studied 2,000 young people aged 18 to 29 found that “only 5% were willing to protest anything—no matter how unjust. And most of them are crazy.”

“It’s CHAOS out there. There’s widespread drug abuse of legal and illegal drugs. While the Internet has allowed for the dissemination of some anti-war information, it leads to information overload in many people, and makes it hard for many people to focus. It usually doesn’t lead to the organization of mass protests. The so-called Occupy Movement was an aberration. People are just too distracted to protest,” reported Dr. Dulles.

“But the number one reason for the relative lack of an anti-war movement is because the U.S. military is still a voluntary force. No draft.”

The final report included opinions from the study’s participants. Many were quite comfortable with the projection of American power into the world. Others expressed doubt about the effectiveness of protesting wars.

• Joe, 25, said: “I think it’s really cool that America is the #1 empire in the world with bases in more than 100 countries! Why would I stab my country in the back by protesting our wars of world conquest?”
• “If a significant number of people gathered in protest, the government would just roll in the tanks and crush it like they did at Ferguson,” said Sequoia, 21. “I would just end up being tasered to death.”
• “My brother says America’s not even a democracy anymore. He may be right. But as long as I got an iPad, it still feels like a democracy to me,” said Louise, 24.
• “The fact that everything I do on my iPad is monitored by the government, big corporations and probably organized crime is disturbing, but I try not to think about it. There’s just so many cool apps these days,” said Stan, 19.

Dr. Dulles’ next Langley research project will prove the “inherent insanity of conspiracy theorists.”