by Krista Genevieve Farris

Photo credit: Andrew Geddes

WHISPERING PINES – The following letter was sent from the Superintendent of schools to local parents:

From: The Office of John Hale Merry, Superintendent of Whispering Pines Public School System
To: Parents of Whispering Pines Students
Subject: New Can-Throwing Requirements

Dear WPPS Parents,

As of January 1st, all students entering kindergarten in the school system will be required to demonstrate their ability to throw canned food (SBP 100.2).

Your child will be asked to demonstrate his or her ability to launch an 8 oz. can of peas, corn, or similar vegetable, a distance of 5 feet from their palm.

While we understand many incoming students might have perfected launching pea/corn from spoons in their toddler years, the use of utensils outside of the cafeteria are prohibited here. SBP 5.2 states: “Students may not carry eating utensils of any sort outside of the cafeteria to avoid personal injury or harm to others.” (We call this our “You really could poke an eye out, kid” policy.)

We will use heterogeneous grouping techniques based on vegetable throwing skills to form classes for the upcoming school year with the intent of the “good throwers” skills lifting up those who are developing the fundamentals.

This summer you can help your pre-K child get a jump start on the school year by singing to the tune of Ring around the Rosie these alternate lyrics: “Circle ‘round intruders / A classroom full of shooters / Can throws, can throws / The perp falls down.”

This will be a fun way to ease them into the idea of inflicting bodily harm and stunning others with those canned peaches they all love.

Having laid the basic groundwork for vegetable/fruit throwing skills at the elementary level, we believe your child will be able to toss an 8 oz. can at an intruder by the time they enter middle school!

By the start of high school, most students will develop the accuracy and strength to nail an intruder in the head with a 32 oz. can of chick peas from a distance of 10 or more feet!

This is a spectacular system wide curriculum that will render opportunities for your child as he/she sprouts like a pole bean. After passing the “Basic Entry Exam for Throwing” (BEET) at the end of middle-school, incoming high school students will have the opportunity to diversify, learning to use additional food stuff projectiles.

We will offer after school enrichment opportunities in potatoes and yam fast throw, pumpkin/squash catapult, pretzel rod archery, and making canister bombs out of such food stuff combinations as blown egg shell and rice – the only limit is imagination!

This policy is win-win all the way from the classroom to the athletic fields! It is thought we will dominate regionals (and, dare I say it, maybe even state-wide competitions!) in shot put, discus, and javelin on middle school and high school levels over on the track.

With luck we will swim through the national science fair where our aspiring engineers release their creative juices as they work to expand and refine the delivery systems for our arsenal of foodstuff weaponry.

Our environmentally minded high school students are finessing a recycle/reuse weapons building program. (It’s top secret, but I can tell you to start saving your banana peels, folks!)

Having survived the school year, we will have a blast at our year end system-wide picnic. Let me be the first to invite you to the First Annual “Eating The Arsenal” Event or ETA! This family oriented day will include a Canned Food Cook-Off, the winner of which will receive a free “Prudent Chef” cooking lesson courtesy of School Board Chairperson Dolly Mason (don’t forget to vote Nov. 3rd). Start training now for an EPIC game of “Canned Food Jenga.”

Please remember the 2015-2016 School Year kicks off on September 1st Bright and Early. Please make sure your aspiring kindergartner has the appropriate supplies listed below:

• • 24 box Crayons
  • 3 Glue Sticks (non-toxic only SBP 105.3)

Pencil Pouch/Plastic Pencil Box (no sharp corners, please)

• Round Tipped Small Scissors (no pointed scissors SBP 225.6)
• 2 Notebooks (No metal spirals)
• 2 8 oz. Cans Peas, Corn, Peaches, collards/black eyed-peas (we are in Alabama after all!), or any other food that might be used in a year end soup, stew, or dessert. NO PEANUTS OR PEANUT BUTTER (SBP 1111.2).

On behalf of the Whispering Pines Public School System, let me tell you we truly look forward to meeting you and your little one.

Sincerely,

John Hale Merry,
Superintendent,
Whispering Pines Public School System

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Krista Genevieve Farris has never thrown a can of food, melon, meat or the like – a remnant of the fact her Catholic mother called it a sin and made her turn off “Bozo’s Circus” anytime the clown played with food. Read more from Krista here.