By Dan Geddes

WASHINGTON – In a move described as “accepting reality” the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has declared plastic to be “a major food group.”

US FDA spokesperson Carl Manson stated: “We admit that trace amounts of plastic leak into many food products. Significant amounts of plastic appear in other food products, such as fish. However, top scientists all agree that there is nothing wrong with ingesting plastics, as has been proven by generations of long-term studies on the population since the 1960s.”

Manson continued: “In fact, many Americans are already consuming plastic as approximately 25% of their diet. So it is high time that the US FDA updates its dietary guidelines to reflect current realities. We’re actually late to the party.”

Dr. Nick Lothar of MIT claims that the daily recommended amount of plastic should be increased to 33%, even more than the FDA’s new 25% plastic consumption guideline.

“Some plastics share a nearly identical molecular structure as soy products,” explained Lothar. “So people ingesting up to 33% of their total food bulk in plastics may enjoy some of the same benefits as soy. Soy, for example, has even been known to boost estrogen in men, and therefore to reduce their levels of ‘toxic masculinity’. That will help to reduce the crime rate for sure.”

“In the end, what’s most important is to eat a balanced diet with the right mix of protein, carbohydrates, and plastics.”

A few critics of the FDA’s new plastic guidelines raised concerns.

A major Pescatarian (vegetarian except for fish) advocacy group called PISCES objects to eating plastic on moral grounds.

“Plastic is derived from oil and oil is a fossil fuel that was ultimately derived from dinosaur bones,” stated PISCES President Donna Soros in response to the FDA’s announcement.

“Dinosaurs were living animals. Ergo: we cannot eat fish that contain plastics derived from dinosaur bones. It would be wrong. It would be like eating chicken bones or spare ribs. Yes, we understand that the dinosaurs are already dead, but it’s the principle of the thing!”

A new organization calling itself the “Plastic No! Band” espouses the principle of plastic-free eating. “Eating plastic-free food is something that we can all aspire to one day.”

Most mainstream experts see the obvious wisdom of the FDA’s new dietary guidelines.

John Cargill, a professor of economics at the University of Chicago sees the fiscal benefits to the FDA’s elevation of plastic from petroleum by-product considered unfit for human consumption to a legitimate foodstuff. “Cheap plastic is an inevitable by-product of the petroleum age, in which we still live. The fact that scientists have found so many ingenious uses for plastics—including now as a foodstuff just like pork bellies—shows the wisdom of our markets, whereby an excess of one supply eventually finds the right level of demand to consume it, and to keep supply and demand in equilibrium.”

“Ingesting too much plastic may indeed lower some life spans, but as long as we are being honest here: most pension systems are totally insolvent anyway. So lowering life expectancy may indeed reduce the unsustainable burden upon these bankrupt retirement funds with their hypothetical balance sheets.”

“Besides, people have been eating plastic happily for years without really knowing it. Why should this change anything?”