President to Award Himself Presidential Medal of Freedom for Valorous Action

WASHINGON – In a historic and highly unorthodox move for a sitting president, especially one whose every speech and tweet seems to be a display of contention and contempt, President Donald Trump announced in the Rose Garden today that he would be donating his non-racist bones to assist or save racist boned children. 

President Trump, surrounded by a cadre of children on crutches, in wheelchairs and ensconced in MAGA casts, called his upcoming bone donations “perhaps the greatest act of kindness and sacrifice by a president in American history. We can’t make America great again if Timmy is hobbled and can’t compete in dodge ball.”

President Trump taunted the Squad in his 25-minute address and photo-op. “I bet the Squad would not give a fingernail to help a child. Or maybe they would give a toenail only if that child was one of those Guatemalans in our highly humane detention centers in Texas. But, I’m sure they would not give it to an honest-to-goodness, red-blooded white bully like Timmy or that little hottie mean-girl over there Lexi who fractured her hip in a tragic cheerleading accident caused by that do-gooder liberal socialist Elizabeth.”

Trump’s announcement befuddled the president’s most ardent critics and was a boost of positive energy for Republican legislators who have either had to up their spin game or keep a low profile in the wake of the president’s ‘go back to where you came from’ meltdown. The general tone of Democrats interviewed was skepticism.  

Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, remarked, “I have a bone to pick with his declaration. Like so many other of President Trump’s pontifications, I am skeptical that it will ever come to fruition. Is he donating his bone spurs, as well?”

Republicans were invigorated with the news and a steady stream of sound bites, social media posts and interviews swamped the news cycle shortly after President Trump’s orthopedic offer. Vice President Mike Pence suggested the day President Trump donates his first bone be considered for a national holiday.

Pence told reporters, “Like my savior, Jesus Christ, Donald Trump once again has put the needs of his flock before his own motivations and well-being. If President Trump keeps this unselfish dedication to the good of the people up, I think it is within reason he may be considered for sainthood one day.”

In another unorthodox moment from the Rose Garden, President Trump hinted that he may nominate himself for the Presidential Medal of Freedom, one of the highest civilian awards in the United States, for his tremendous sacrifice to the American people. 

“You know with this type of courage, I may have to nominate myself for the Presidential Medal of Freedom. I can see it now. In a year or so I could have Lexi and Timmy back here in the greatest Rose Garden in the world. And they can place that medal on the greatest president in the world. It will be great, the greatest…”

President Trump than gave his signature thumbs up pose for a few photos and gave Lexi an extra long hug before heading to his helicopter to start a long weekend at Mar-a-Lago.