By W.T. Fallon

25 August 2016

NEW YORK — Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump announced at a press conference today that he plans to replace the Affordable Care Act with his own health care plan, Trump Care, if elected.

“I promised to make America great again by getting rid of that Obamacare mess, so I’m replacing it with something much better,” the candidate said. “This is going to be a huge improvement over that terrible Affordable Care Act. Obama claims it’s affordable, but there’s no coverage for important health care needs, and too much wasteful spending.”

Trump says his plan will cover cosmetic surgery for women between the ages of 18 and 35. “I’ve been called a sexist pig for saying insulting things about unattractive women. This plan proves I don’t have anything against them—in fact, I want to help them. Once they have cosmetic surgery, they won’t have any reason to be offended anymore!”

Men will not be excluded from the new health care plan. “My comprehensive plan will cover all necessary and essential medical care for men—Viagra, paternity tests for nuisance lawsuits, and hand enlargement surgery for men who aren’t as well-endowed as I am.”

The proposed plan also covers golf and polo injuries for both sexes, tanning bed visits for those allergic to spray tans, and hair transplants for men who can’t afford to purchase Trump Toupees.

When asked how he would fund the plan, Trump said he would cut spending on non-essential health care. “First, no more coverage for birth control. If we’re paying for cosmetic surgery so you ladies can get laid, you can shell out for own pills.”

He went on to add there would be other spending cuts. “We waste too much money treating mental health disorders. From now on, you whiners who feel depressed, paranoid, or bipolar can either ask your dad for a small loan of a million dollars to pay your medical bills, or try running for office. Either way, you’ll feel better at no cost to the taxpayers.”

###

1. W.T. Fallon believes if you can’t say something nice, you should say something funny and totally true. She has few marketable skills, but is highly talented in the areas of sarcasm, satire, and snark. For the past several years, she has written for the local Gridiron Show, and this year she started a blog called Sharable Sarcasm. The 2016 election provided so many opportunities for humor that she decided to write her first novel, a political satire called Fail to the Chief, which will be released in September.