COPENHAGEN – Organizers of the 2014 Eurovision Song Contest announced that Russia will not be allowed to participate in this year’s event.

Eurovision spokeswoman Francine du Boeuf stated that: “We want to send a clear message to Russia that countries that unilaterally invade other countries without U.N. approval will be banned from the Eurovision Song Contest.”

“Eurovision will still be broadcast in Russia, so that Russia will be envious of this glorious European tradition from which they have now been justly excluded.”

Russia had high hopes for its 2014 Eurovision entry, Electric Vodka, led by long-legged lead singer Natasha Stanislavsky, and featuring a rhythm section of bare-chested Vladimir Putin look-alikes. Electric Vodka’s song “Sexy Like a Bear” was dismissed by du Boeuf as “tasteless Russian neo-imperialism; a transparent metaphor of Russia’s rape of the Crimea.”

Illustration by Tom Deisboeck

Russia objected that politics should be kept out of Eurovision, and that, historically, most European nations enjoyed a long history of unilaterally invading other countries as they built up global empires.

Du Boeuf replied: “It is true that the U.K., France and even Holland and Portugal all once invaded many countries in order to slaughter innocent people and to develop their colonial empires. But these nations have long since sworn off the practice of violating sovereign nations’ territories without U.N. approval, unless the invasion force is led by the United States. Then it’s OK.”

Eurovision has already excluded Syria on the grounds of Assad’s alleged chemical weapons attacks.

“We didn’t have high hopes for Syria winning Eurovision either,” said du Boeuf. “They simply don’t comprehend the subtleties of pop kitsch. I think after the fall of Assad’s regime, Syria’s chances for admission into Eurovision will be improved.”

“Russia may be welcomed back to the Eurovision Song Contest pending successful resolution to the Ukrainian crisis,” concluded du Boeuf. “After all, we sometimes consider Russia to be part of the European family.”

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Dan Ged­des is the ed­i­tor of The Satirist. In ad­di­tion to satire, Ged­des’ se­ri­ous crit­i­cism in The Satirist on­line has been widely cited in books, Eng­lish courses, aca­d­e­mic pa­pers, news­pa­pers, and web­sites. Ged­des has writ­ten for the Cleve­land Plain Dealer, the Dry Bones Re­view, and The Mod­ern Word. His satir­i­cal work has also ap­peared in GlossyNews.com.