Despite his somewhat ambiguous stances on gay marriage and polygamy, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney avowed that he was “dead set against gay polygamy. Gay polygamy would be very confusing for everyone involved, and must never be tolerated.”

Some political observers have speculated whether, as President, Romney would seek to overturn what some Mormons feel is an unconstitutional ban on men having multiple wives.

“After all, if gay marriage means that marriage need not be between one man and one woman, why can’t it be between one man and many women, one woman with many men, or other combinations?” asked one anonymous Utah resident, whom we call “Jed.” “Jed” preferred that his name, secret location in southeast Utah, and the names of his thirty-seven wives and two hundred and seven children be kept confidential.

“Corporations are also legal persons who enjoy many advantages over individuals,” continued Jed, “including the fact that corporate marriages—you know, mergers—are not legally restricted to two companies.”

“Companies are free to merge with as many other companies as they choose, thereby enlarging themselves. Why shouldn’t individuals have the same rights as corporations, at least in this one small way? What’s wrong with polygamy? It’s even in The Bible.”

“In this day and age, who’s to say what’s right and wrong?” admitted Romney. “But gay polygamy: that is something I could never stand behind.”