By Dan Geddes

Mitt Romney today stated that his greatest support came from the richest 1% of Americans. Romney admitted that “the 99% on the bottom are generally not the type of people who would vote for me.”

Still, Romney felt his chances in November were “pretty good.”

“While it’s true that nearly half of all Americans are lazy bums who sponge off government services, most of these unfortunate creatures don’t vote anyway.”

“Among the poor, lazy slobs who actually do vote, our plan has always been saturation coverage of our cultural wedge issues: gay marriage, abortion, and xenophobia.”

Various Romney supporters throughout the country seemed to confirm Romney’s analysis.

Rufus Salamander, 57, of Little Rock, stated: “I know Romney is for the rich, but at least he doesn’t love gays, Muslims, and gay Muslims the way that Obama does. Obama probably is a gay Muslim. Even if he loses all my Social Security money on Wall Street, Romney still has my vote over Obama.”

Johnny Walker, 42, of St. Louis agreed: “There is nothing Romney could do or say to lose my vote at this point. At least he was born in America.”