WASHINGTON DC. – On the heels of the mass shooting in a Florida high school and

President Trump’s promotion of incentivizing armed teachers, the NRA has launched the “A Gun in Every Locker” program that aims to arm those most likely to be on the front-line of a school shooting – the students.

This $800 million dollar school safety initiative would give each student a military-grade assault rifle and ammunition to keep for emergency use only. Hinging on the idea that no one would try to bring a gun into a school where there are already guns, the “A Gun in Every Locker” plan would arm and train students to protect themselves on the front-lines of an assault.

“These kids are already trained better than most, so that part is easy. Teenagers spend hours every night playing first-person shooting games and applying military assault style tactics to online gaming, so why not use these tools in a real-world situation?” president of the NRA, Wayne LaPierre, said in a statement. “It just makes sense, I mean these kids are better trained than most law enforcement personnel.”

When asked if high school students have the maturity to restrain the use of deadly force until called upon to enforce their civic duties, LaPierre snickered, “You said doody.” He continued, “Of course they are mature enough. Real men like guns and real men know how to use guns, kids love guns too – they pretend to play with guns from an early age and seek to find dad’s gun under the bed – therefore; since kids love guns and real, American men love guns, kids are just as mature as men and men are mature enough to handle a gun.”

High school principal Smith Wesson suggested that the program could have many positive benefits beyond just school safety. “It’s a really interesting idea. It levels the playing field for sure, I mean this could really decrease bullying and instances of sexual assault. If everyone is armed then one student won’t have an advantage over anyone else – I don’t really see a downside here.”

Students too see the benefits of this program. “I would certainly feel much safer if we all had gats. You know? I mean really. Someone comes in the school, and I don’t know who it is – BAMB yo! That’s whas up.”

As of now the NRA and Trump administration is trying to work out the logistics of how schools can give the gun industry $800 million to arm students with the low budget that education is faced with. However, they are developing other programs to reallocate money. “We have a few ideas,” said LaPierre. “The ‘Books for Bullets’ program, in which teachers can redirect funds for textbooks into purchasing munitions is an idea. Kids don’t like reading anyway.”