By Aidan Anthony and David Anthony

June 23, 2021

President Joe Biden will soon make it official, and formally adopt Barron Trump, son of former President Donald Trump, say sources close to the White House.

The youngest of Trump’s five children, Barron, 14, was found hiding in the White House basement two days after Biden’s inauguration, on January 20, 2021.  Efforts were immediately made to contact the Trumps, but the family had absconded to Moscow in a last-second flight from arrest warrants issued by the Southern District of New York.  Barron had apparently been left behind.

Speaking via Zoom from Ukraine, Trump spokesperson Rudy Giuliani explained Barron’s situation as a simple oversight.

“When the crowds smashed through the fencing the night before the Inauguration, we were literally on the roof of the White House waiting for the helicopters.  It was like Saigon all over again!  So what can I say?  We just didn’t notice Barron wasn’t around.  Because he was always kind of a dud, you know?  So how could we notice he wasn’t there when he was never really there in the first place?”

Ex-Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, who fled the US with the Trumps, stated via cell phone that the family was slow to notice Barron’s absence even once relocated to Moscow.  “I think Melania had the chef make him some cocoa on Valentine’s Day.  But of course, no one could find him.  After that we realized our mistake, and we were all kind of sad.  I don’t think Donald even went golfing the next day.”

The ex-President’s recent tweets contradict Blagojevich’s description.  “I never liked Barron!” Trump tweeted two days ago, after Biden’s adoption plans were leaked.  “TOTAL LOSER!”

White House aides say Biden and Barron have become close in the months since the election.  “Look, I’m willing to step up and help him out,” said Biden during a Rose Garden press conference.  “Plus, you know, he’s definitely tall and handsome.”

Biden’s stance has increased national sympathy for Barron, who has come to be known popularly as “Macaulay,” in reference to Macaulay Culkin, who starred in the film Home Alone.

“Let’s just say you can expect a lot more of those cute shots of the President and Barron playing catch on the White House lawn,” one aide added.

Biden Press Secretary Monica Lewinsky added that Biden has arranged for Barron to take up a summer internship at Burisma, the holding company for a group of energy exploration and production firms.

“That more than anything tells me he really is family now,” she stated.

Aidan Anthony is a senior majoring in Spanish and Economics at Tufts University.

David Anthony is a Professor of American Literature at Southern Illinois University, Carbondale.