by C.S. Lane

19 June 2015

MENLO PARK,CA – Following a recent product leak, Facebook executives have confirmed rumors of an unprecedented new feature which will automatically scan your Facebook News Feed for opinions, datasets, and scientific facts which might possibly upset you–then alter them to match your beliefs.

“We think the public is going to love this new feature,” a Facebook correspondent informed The Satirist. “People don’t want to deal with other folks’ opinions unless those opinions agree with their own. Facebook’s new feature will fix this problem, so everyone will seem to think what you think.”

Back in April 2015, Facebook launched a beta version of this feature, which met with unanimous applause.

“I used to have to read about scientists believing that climate change is real,” says one happy beta-tester. “Now, whenever I read my news feed, it tells me that science says climate change is bogus!”

The new feature employs extensive AI (Artificial Intelligence) to identify and adjust offending material–including (but not limited to): peer-reviewed articles, political propaganda, poorly-spelled rage rants, pie charts, linear regressions, and more.

“We’re tired of Google Search holding the monopoly on validating the internet’s confirmation biases,” our Facebook correspondent explained. “We want people to be able to use the Facebook network to reach the conclusion that the bulk of humanity already believes what they believe.”

Facebook plans to release this feature to its general users this upcoming fall, expecting the release to finally put an end to book-length, poorly-written inflammatory rants about how other people have all the facts wrong.