By Dan Geddes

AMSTERDAM – Jan Smit, 44, Member of the European Parliament (MEP), proposed yesterday that Dutch should become the new official language of the EU after Brexit finally takes place next year.

“It can’t be German,” said Smit, “for semi-obvious historical reasons. The French can pretend that others are willing to learn French, but most people are not. The French are just too annoying when they correct you, even when they do it in English. And everybody hates the French. You know it; I know it.”

“The Dutch on the other hand are kind and sensitive teachers and show infinite patience and sensitivity when people from other countries attempt to speak Dutch. This is well known.”

Smit was unconvinced by arguments that the EU should just keep using English.

“Some say keep English, because Ireland is still in the EU. But the Irish are nearly incomprehensible as it is. Only the Scots are less comprehensible. Imagine if the Irish became the linguistic standard-bearers of Europe, the EU would descend into linguistic anarchy! We can’t let that happen!”

Smit’s proposal offered the following arguments:

• “The Benelux countries (Belgium, the Netherlands, and Luxembourg) are three of the founding six members of the European Union (along with France, Germany and Italy).”
• “Several of the major institutions of the European Union are located in The Hague and Brussels.”
• “Dutch is great. Anyone can learn it, really!”

“Dutch is really een wereldtaal, you know, a world language,” concluded Smit. “It’s spoken in Surinam, and Belgium, and Afrikaans is pretty close,  is very close to Dutch. The Dutch also left a strong mark on Indonesia. Dutch is a totally phonetic language and is so easy to pronounce. Goede middag. Gaan jullie naar Scheveningen? See anybody can do it!”

“It’s pretty close to English, really. It’s almost the same language anyway.”

“Dutch is a clear as Esperanto, and as clear as the waters of our beloved North Sea, which we have been fighting against for 800 years.”

EU reactions to the Dutch proposal were not kind.

An appalled French MEP asked: “Is this some kind of joke? You know….een grapje?”

Italian MEP Vito Mastriani protested: “It’s sad, but no Italian has ever learned the Dutch language.  Not one. Ever. We have checked our records. Hundreds of thousands of Italians have tried over the past centuries and all have failed, even our greatest intellectuals. So we don’t think this is a good idea. Echt niet een goed idee! Capisce? Maybe this is just another reason to be sceptical about the future of the EU.”

“The language of the EU should be German, for semi-obvious historical reasons,” stated German MEP, Augustus Haverschleim. “We pay the most. The EU is our party really. Just speak f-cking German! The Brits and Americans have their own thing going on now. Forget about English.”

The EU Parliament will vote on Smit’s Dutch language proposal next week unless it is blocked in committee.