By John Long

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Biden’s ambitious plan to combat the waves of marauding space aliens that are waging a bloody campaign of conquest across the United States stalled in Congress Friday, as Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) said he would not support the bill because it currently lacks Republican votes.

“Defending our homeland against this murderous alien civilization is critical to the survival of our nation and our planet. But we won’t be successful unless we come together in a bipartisan manner,” Manchin said.

Although polling shows Americans overwhelmingly favor a declaration of war against the alien invaders, who are methodically cutting a wide path of destruction across the western United States and rapidly making their way eastward, leaving nothing but death and smoldering ruins in their wake, Manchin seemed firm in his opposition.

“From the Revolution to World War II, every previous successful war in American history has been declared in a bipartisan fashion. That’s a fact. We just won’t win if we can’t convince our Republican friends to get on board,” Manchin added.

The sticking point for Republicans is apparently in the declaration’s details. Mitch McConnell (R-KY), the Republican Senator Minority Leader, has raised questions about the funding mechanism. “Like my colleagues across the aisle, I want to win the war against these aliens, but it has to be paid for, and raising taxes isn’t the answer.”

Added McConnell, “The American people expect us to come together and save this country from annihilation in a manner that’s revenue neutral and doesn’t punish job creators.”

President Biden, attending an emergency meeting of the UN Security Council, which was held in an underground bunker outside of Reykjavik, Iceland, was visibly frustrated.

“Look, I campaigned on working with Republicans, and I welcome their ideas on how to improve this war declaration and beat back the aliens who are destroying our country. But at the end of the day, Congress needs to do its job. End of story,” the president said.

In the wake of Manchin’s announcement, Senate Democrats were left scrambling to find other ways to pass the war declaration through a process known as reconciliation. Because the bill is a spending bill, it’s expected the Senate Parliamentarian will rule that it can be passed with a simple majority, the way most laws are passed in healthy, functioning democracies that aren’t collapsing under the weight of their own dysfunction. Otherwise, it will need the 60 votes required to overcome the filibuster rule, which wasn’t intended to impose a supermajority vote for every piece of legislation and is not mentioned in the Constitution.

However, Sen. Kristyn Sinema (D-AZ) has hinted she might block that path as well.

“I don’t care what the parliamentarian says, history shows if you go to war in a partisan fashion, you’ll lose,” said Sinema, who was attending a fundraiser in Dallas for John Cornyn (R-TX).

When asked if she would favor a carve out exception to the filibuster on war declarations, Sinema was equally dismissive.

“The filibuster was invented so that we didn’t get into partisan wars, and it’s the only thing that guarantees our victory,” she said.

The inability for Congress to declare war during an unprecedented alien assault that has already claimed the lives of over 40 million Americans has left some voters feeling frustrated.

Bill Casey, a 49-year old shoe store owner who lives about 50 miles from the front lines, in Kansas City, MO, says the lack of action by Congress is having a drag on sales.

“No one wants to buy shoes today if they think they’re going to get vaporized tomorrow. I really hope someone does something, we’re running out of food and water,” he said.

As for Manchin, he left open the possibility his position on the war declaration could change, and was optimistic at least 10 GOP Senators would eventually get on board.

“It’s time to come together. I’m sure there are 10 good people across the aisle,” he said.

“The question we have to ask ourselves is this: is a country where one party can dictate and demand everything and anything it wants, whenever it wants, really worth saving?”

John Long is a creative director in New York. He has written for McSweeney’s, The New Republic, and The Columbia Journalism Review.