Henry Greenspan

14 April 2016

In an unprecedented move, at least since the war of 1812, the new Liberal government of Canada has decided to close its entire border with the United States. No American will be allowed to enter–whether as a potential immigrant, tourist, or simply some shnoock looking for cheaper Lipitor. At the Detroit-Windsor crossing, the Ambassador Bridge has been renamed the “Ramp to Nowhere.” The well known boat tour at Niagara Falls, Maid of the Mist, will no longer pass under Canada’s Horseshoe Falls. Said one official, “You never know when some radicalized American will try to swim up and in, like a rabid salmon.”

The bill to ban all Americans passed unanimously in the Canadian parliament, in a rare moment of solidarity. “This is not about partisanship,” said PM Trudeau. “It is about friggin’ common sense.”

A few New Democrats did note that not all Americans pose security risks to Canada. But they concur that it is impossible to vet them, know where they’ve been, or what they really think.

Canadian intelligence shows that many little old ladies from Plattsburgh NY, who claim to cross over just to find cheaper pants suits, have actually spent significant time at Pittsburgh Penguin games where radical yahoos are often recruited. “Some listen to American radio or watch American television. Who knows what they are taking in? We can’t control that,“ said one Canadian official.

What about Americans already in Canada? The plan is to deport all of them, regardless of current citizenship. “We were way too generous during the Vietnam War,” said PM Trudeau. “Now we have a bunch of kosher delis in Montreal that we don’t need, and a lot less poutine than the nation requires. Glorious and free, man!”

Many related developments are in process:

• A 20′ electrified fence will be constructed across the Western provinces. “There may be something that doesn’t love a wall,” quipped one Albertan, “but it probably lives in Montana.”
• Tim Hortons will sever all ties with Burger King. Authentic tea biscuits will be back.
• Celine Dion, whose singing most Americans only pretend to like anyway, feels good about the change. “One voice, one nation, one basic song repeated again and again and again,” said Dion.

Hank Greenspan is a psychologist and playwright who teaches at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor. He is also a member of the Dramatists Guild, a Fulbright scholar, a Harvard grad and–periodically–a mensch. Some of his best friends are Canadian. That may come in handy.