By Dan Geddes

WASHINGTON. 9/11 Commission Chair Thomas Kean today agreed that Vice President Cheney may hold President Bush’s hand during their joint, off-the-record, not-under-oath testimony to the 9/11 Commission.

Kean admitted: “Gosh, did you see Bush on Meet the Press  a few months ago? The President can hardly speak in complete sentences. We’re sure to get more lucid testimony if Mr. Cheney is there to answer the questions. If Bush testified to us on his own, the stock markets would crash overnight from instant panic. Cheney can squeeze the president’s hand really hard or stomp on his foot if he says anything too stupid, which is likely.”