Top 20 Financial Headlines of 2009

Friday, January 2nd, 2009

Published 16 years ago -

  1. Harvard Journal of Politics Study Finds That America is Greatest Country on Earth Due to Bar Being Set Pretty Low
  2. Last Member of American Middle Class Dies of “Natural Taxation”, Spent 1200 Hours Filing Form 1040
  3. California Requests IMF Loan Relief: Schwarzenegger: “I’ll Sign Anything”
  4. Ford Fiesta Wins 2008 Car & Driver Magazine Award as Best Non-Exploding Domestic Auto
  5. Iceland to Petition Federal Reserve to Become Bank Holding Company; and Receive TARP Funds
  6. Americans Increasingly Exploring Alternative Ultra-Minimalist “Foodetarian” Lifestyles During Hard Times
  7. HMO Denies Benefit Claim; Says Aspirin an “Experimental” Drug
  8. Major Commercial Airlines to Eliminate Seats, Restrooms, Tail Rudders on Most International Flights
  9. Post Office to Raise Rates to Lose Your Mail More Efficiently
  10. Political Scholars Expedite Search to Find Clear Distinction Between Civil War/Anarchy Before Second Quarter of ’09
  11. New York Times Nears Bankruptcy as CIA Defaults on its Monthly Payments
  12. Oil Geologists Now Claim “There Never was an Ozone Layer in the First Place”
  13. Abe Greenstein, CEO of Greenstein Hedge Fund Becomes First Hedge Fund Manager on Moon; SEC Contemplates Subpoena, Jurisdiction Issues
  14. Unknown Darwin Manuscript Discovered; Says that Phrase “Man Descended from Apes” not Intended as Figure of Speech
  15. Last Person to Leave Detroit Remembers to Turn off the Light
  16. U.S. Treasury Refuses to Sell Treasury Bills to U.S. Treasury, Citing Default Risk.
  17. Moody’s, S&P Downgrade Themselves Again
  18. US to Recycle Garbage into US Dollars
  19. Ukraine to Buy Russian Gas on Layaway
  20. Illegal Immigrants Flee to Mexico; Mexico Considering Building Border Fence as Americans Follow.

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