This Morning I Impeached My Dog

By Martin H. Levinson

This morning, I impeached my dog for repeatedly violating rules I had set up regarding household border security, most egregiously for not barking when people rang my doorbell. Buddy’s refusal to obey my directives re home protection was an offense against the implied power of dog owners to expect their pooches to be bulwarks against unscreened entry by individuals who might want to cross the threshold of their abodes. Buddy also made false statements to me, saying his bark was worse than his bite and that he was man’s best friend even though he chewed through two pairs of my slippers and peed on my bathrobe. He also constantly attempted to avoid oversight by dashing around my backyard whenever I tried to talk to him about his home-security malfeasance.

I based my impeachment of Buddy on the House Republicans’ impeachment of Department of Homeland Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas, who was impeached by them for “lax enforcement of immigration laws, knowingly making false statements to the American people, and avoiding unlawful oversight to comply with his statutory duties.” While clearly nowhere near the impeachment standard of high crimes and misdemeanors and clearly a political stunt to keep the issue of immigration front and center in the minds of the electorate, Mayorkas’ impeachment showed you could impeach people for whatever the hell you want if you had the votes to do it. Well, if you could impeach people, I thought, why couldn’t you do the same for pets? And as I was the only one who would be voting on my doggy’s articles of impeachment, and since there was no real standard for impeachment, it would be a done deal. And so, it was.

In a unanimous vote I impeached Buddy and am now waiting to prosecute the case in front of my wife who I suspect, as will be the case in the Senate when the charges against Mayorkas are brought up, will acquit him, since she’s always been soft on Buddy who just last Tuesday didn’t bark when two Jehovah’s Witnesses pushed open our front door, which I had accidentally left ajar, and asked if anyone was home.

But I can live with an acquittal. The main thing is, by impeaching Buddy, I have shown dogs all over the country that if their owners want to impeach them for whatever they consider misconduct, like what the House Republicans did to Mayorkas, they can. And that impeachment will live with them forever, a stain on their canine souls and, if they are found guilty, a barrier to them if they want to run for elective office in the animal kingdom.

After I impeach Buddy, I’m going to impeach my cat for not purring each time he sits on my lap and for scratching the living room furniture. Then I think I’ll impeach my parrot for not saying “good morning” when I pass by his cage in the AM. Then maybe I’ll impeach my turtle for popping his head inside his shell when I walk by him in the afternoon. The Grand Old Prevaricators in the House may think they’re the cat’s meow with their trumped-up impeachment charges against Mayorkas. But when it comes to trumped up impeachment charges, the Grand Old Putz’s don’t hold a candle, or dog biscuit, to me.