It has been reported by major news media – including NBC and CBS – that an 8-foot alligator, named Tewa, believed to have been taken from a Texas zoo two decades ago and kept as a pet, was recently discovered by a game warden and returned to the zoo. It is believed the alligator was stolen when it was an egg or a hatchling by a person who had been a zoo volunteer decades ago.  Which begs the question, just how much of a pet can an alligator be?

Question 1:  Did the alligator respond to her name?  When you said, “Here, Tewa,” did she crawl over to you?  Or, heaven help you, run over?

Question 2:  Did she obey commands?  Like when you told her to “Roll over, Tewa”?  (You didn’t teasingly confuse her with, “Sit, Tewa,” did you?)

Question 3:  Would Tewa fetch?  When you playfully threw a stick or a ball or whatever, would she exuberantly bring it back to you?  And would she lovingly beg for more as you removed the object from her mouth?  (Assuming, obviously, you felt you had enough of a relationship with Tewa to attempt removing the object from her mouth…and, even more obviously, also assuming Tewa felt the same way.)

Question 4:  Did you pet Tewa?  Did you like it?  More importantly, did she like it?

Question 5:  Since alligators will eat almost anything, what did you feed her?  On second thought, forget that one, it could be disturbing.

Question 6:  Did you have any other pets, and if so, how did they and Tewa interact?  (Hopefully, this doesn’t enter into the answer to the previous question.) 

Question 7:  Were you ever threatened or attacked by anyone in Tewa’s presence, and did she protect you the way, for example, a guard dog would?  (Questioning the feasibility of a guard alligator…hey, what could be better?)

Question 8:  When you returned from a trip, did Tewa wag her tail and emit that loud hissing sound that alligators make when they’re excited, and did you get a lump in your throat…or, unfortunately perhaps, somewhere else?

Question 9:  When Tewa was an infant (more accurately, a hatchling), did you think of her as a kind of puppy…possibly a baby reptilian Rottweiler?

Question 10:  You’ve been reported to have taken it “pretty hard” when the authorities removed Tewa…be honest, were you really genuinely sad or did you just shed crocodile tears?  (Sorry, couldn’t resist it.)