Greenland Going Once, Going Twice…

by Michael J. Man

President Trump has stated over and over that he wants to purchase Greenland, which has been part of Denmark for over 200 years. And Denmark’s Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen has stated over and over that the country is not for sale. But who knows what the future could hold? A Danish change of heart perhaps? For whatever reason. Which could conceivably lead to a bidding war between the U.S. and other countries with the same interest in this strategic location:

TRUMP: Mette, what is there to think about, seventy billion is a fair price for this second-rate, out-of-the-way island with not even a good golf course.

FREDERIKSEN: Perhaps it is, Mister Trump. However, we have to consider all offers. President Xi bid five hundred billion yuan. And Vladimir Putin offered us seven trillion rubles.

TRUMP: Putin offered you seven trillion rubies?!

FREDERIKSEN: No, Mister Trump, not rubies, rubles.

TRUMP: Oh, those…they’re practically worthless. I’m talking about great American dollars. Listen, I’ll even throw in a free membership to Mar a Lago. You can escape from those cold Danish winters. Hang out at the pool with Melania.

FREDERIKSEN: Excuse me, Mister President. I have another call, from President Putin. Please stay on the line and I’ll get right back to you.

TRUMP: Please tell Vladimir hello from me. And that even though we’re bidding against each other, I still love him.

FREDERIKSEN: Hello, Mister Putin. Yes, we’re considering your offer…but you should be aware that President Xi offered five hundred billion yuan, and President Trump’s bid was seventy billion dollars. (pause, while listening) Well, that’s very generous of you, but I don’t anticipate us ever needing military assistance to occupy another country. By the way, I have President Trump on the other line and he asked me to say hello to you. (pause while listening, then clicking back to Trump) I’m back, President Trump.

TRUMP: Did you tell Vladimir what I said?

FREDERIKSEN: Yes, I did, but I couldn’t understand his response since his interpreter seemed to be laughing.

TRUMP: Oh…well anyway, Mette, remember what I said about American dollars, which I’m going to make even greater…

FREDERIKSEN: (interrupting) Excuse me, Mister Trump, but I seem to have a call from President Xi. Please bear with me for a few moments and I’ll get right back to you. (clicks Trump off and Xi on) Hello, President Xi. (pause, while listening) Yes, we’re giving your offer careful consideration…along, of course, with those from Presidents Trump and Putin. (pause, while listening) No, thank you, I appreciate the offer, but we really don’t need you to hack any foreign governments for us. Goodbye now. (clicks Xi off and Trump back on) Sorry again, President Trump, but as I’m sure you understand, this is a very busy day. Is there anything else?

TRUMP: The only thing I’d like to say, Mette, is…

FREDERIKSEN: (interrupting) Sorry again, President Trump, but I have a caller that my assistant says it’s vital that I talk to. I’ll get right back to you. (clicks Trump off and other caller on) Hello, sir, my assistant said you have something of extreme importance to tell me. (listens for a few seconds) That’s extremely generous, but why do you want it? (listens) Alright, let me run it by my people and I’ll get back to you by the end of the day. (clicks person off and Trump back on) Well, Mister President, I’ll break the news to you first…it seems like we might very well have a winning offer.

TRUMP: Who is it, Putin? What did he do, sweeten the deal with part of Crimea?

FREDERIKSEN: No, sir, it isn’t Putin. Or Xi. It’s Elon Musk.

TRUMP: Musk?! That’s crazy. Why would he want to buy it?

FREDERIKSEN: He said he thought it would be cool to own a country.

TRUMP: But he works for me.

FREDERIKSEN: (laughter)