Goodbye, Dick

By Leita Walker

Here in 2025, it is time we face a hard truth:

We are quickly approaching the day we will say goodbye to the last of the Dicks.

This is for two reasons.

First, no one wants Dick anymore.

According to the Social Security Administration, in 2020 Richard was the 65^th most popular name for boys in the United States. By 2023 it was feebly limping into spot 221. Anyway, children unlucky enough to be born to completely clueless parents seem lately to have the good sense to go by Richard, Rick, Rich, or Richie, and perhaps to completely estrange themselves from their parents while they are at it.

Second, the obituaries are thick with Dick.

The old Dicks have lived a good (sometimes long) life, but they are going the way of the dodo. A day is coming when the number of minority women on corporate boards will exceed the number of Dicks. What shall we do.

Google “famous Dicks.”

Scratch that.

Google “famous men named Dick.”

With rare exception, the men on the list are dead or in their 80s. Consider: Dick King-Smith (d. 2011), a children’s author and an obviously humble man who opted for hyphenation; Dick Dickey (d. 2006) a basketball player who doubled down; and Dick Trickle (d. 2013), a race car driver and father of three. Meanwhile, the delightful Dick Button (if only!), a figure skater, is still alive and kicking at 95, as is beloved actor Dick Van Dyke (confusing!) at 99, and pianist Dick Hyman (for real, no cap) at 97. Former Senator Dick Swett (we’ve all been there) is on the younger side at 78.

We have all known and loved Dicks in our own lives. I once knew a Dick Schmoker, a retired lawyer who nevertheless maintained an office where I interned one summer. Us kids entertained ourselves by sneaking into his office and calling one another, just so his name would show up on caller ID. It is in this way that the Dicks have served the world and we shall truly mourn their demise, which shall always feel premature. I read recently of a man in my city named Dick Puffer. He died in 2020. He was a policeman and referee. His mother’s maiden name was Ploof. I wish I had known him.

I also wish I could put my finger on a Black Dick, but coming up with one seems just beyond my grasp. Little Richard could have set himself up for a life of under-promising and over-delivering, but opted not to shoot that shot. Richie Rich also lacked nerve. There must be some though, so please report back.

As the Dicks make their last stand, it is comforting to me and all others with an immature sense of humor to know how Dick came to be slang for the male member. (Yep, made you say it.)

According to some scattershot research on the Internet, Dick’s evolution likely began when the name became slang for any man, like “dude” or “guy.” As in, “Hiya, Dick, hold that door will ya?” Think Tom, Dick, and Harry, and please don’t get me started on Harry. Then, perhaps, during World War II (thank you again, Greatest Generation, you’ve done so much for us), the term began its triumphant rise to its second meaning. Speculation also abounds that President Richard “Tricky Dicky” Nixon—and specifically his opposition’s plea to “Don’t be a Dick”—may have been the final push the name needed to get across the finish line. So to speak.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter if any of this is true. What matters is that language is a wonderful, hilarious thing and a rose by any other name smells as musky. A new dawn of Dicks will surely come. Oh, trust me, it will come.

They won’t be called Dick, of course. But I predict they will have what linguistics calls the /k/ or “voiceless velar plosive” in their name. (Plosive is a real word and I swear to all that his holy I did not make up such a perfect word.) In other words, the new generation will have a name with a strong “k” sound, because all the best swears have that sound, and I know you’re saying them in your head right now to test this premise. Even Karen, the closest thing we have to a female equivalent to Dick has it. No one says “Stop being such a Lisa.”

To the Olivers and Liams of the world: You are safe with your soft-serve little names. But Lucas? Luke? You were a Top 10 baby name in 2023, and this is your notice to take a feminist studies course asap.

For now, long live the Dicks. We rise up to salute you.

Leita Walker is a free speech lawyer in Minneapolis who sometimes branches out and tries to be funny.