Getting Through “His” Second Presidency Without Getting An Ulcer (A Personal Survival Guide)

by Michael J. Mangano

1. I’ll get all my news from print publications, thereby avoiding hearing “his” grating voice on broadcast media (except for James Austin Johnson’s Saturday Night Live impression which, though still to a degree irritating, is nevertheless entertaining enough for me to put up with).

2. I will also turn off all news notifications on my iPhone and instruct my wife to notify me of anything that relates to “him” only if it is absolutely necessary…and to use only the pronouns “him” and “his” and “he,” since even hearing “his” name raises my blood pressure, as evidenced by my Omron BP monitor and confirmed by my cardiologist.

3. I won’t obsess over “his” ridiculous appointments, and figure that even if the ones that need Senate confirmation are approved, the individuals will soon be fired (and, sadly but certainly, replaced with more ridiculous appointments).

4. I won’t panic whenever “he” meets with a foreign leader, but instead rely on the fact that whoever that leader is, he or she (or even “it” if there is an AI coup) is smarter than “him” and will fend off any potential disaster that “he” may have in mind.

5. Rather than get upset by “his” outrageous comments (like ingesting bleach to fight COVID), I’ll simply laugh them off and take a satisfied delight in his stupidity being an affirmation of my long-held opinion.

6. I’ll reread Russian novels, especially The Gulag Archipelago, so that no matter what harmful actions “he” employs, I’ll be able to tell myself, “See, it could be worse.”

7. Instead of increasing my alcohol consumption, as one might expect, I’ll curtail it, so that in 2028, when he leaves office, my body will be well prepared to imbibe more champagne than I (or possibly anyone) have ever consumed in my life.

8. I’ll sell my house in Florida, I won’t walk past that hideous building on 5th Avenue off 57th Street in New York, I’ll even give up golf (for the next four years anyway), and certainly not go anywhere near McDonalds’ French fries, the nauseating image of “him” serving them imbedded in my mind.

9. If “his” name comes up during any conversation with friends or family, I will promptly suggest changing the conversation to something less upsetting, like gang violence, another pandemic, nuclear holocaust.

10. Finally, despite my efforts, it’s fairly certain that I will encounter a trigger of depression from time to time, and to help soothe the mental pain, I am making Earth, Wind and Fire’s uplifting masterpiece, “September,” readily accessible on my iPhone. On the other hand, as big a fan as I am of her singing, out of necessity I am putting Adele’s songbook of sadness on a four-year hiatus.

That’s just about all I have for now; you may choose to employ some of them, think of some of your own. In any event, take good care of your health…because, though I hope I’m proven wrong, right now it doesn’t look like anyone he chooses to run the health department is going to.