The 2020 presidential primary season has begun and the Democrats in the race are falling all over themselves to show how tremendously progressive they are and how fervently they believe in big-time, radical change. Don’t buy their hype. There’s only one person out there with cool, innovative, and bold ideas and that person, who hasn’t formally announced yet and whose positions on a number issues you can see below, is me.

My Revolutionary Ideas to Move the Country Forward

Education

            I believe everyone should be able to go college but, unlike some other presidential hopefuls who believe the same thing, I don’t mean just any college. I mean elite colleges because attending such schools gives one a huge leg up on the American Dream. Consequently, when I am president, I will ask Congress to pass legislation to give every student who wants go to college money to enable them to do that and to give every school in the country the right to change its name to Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Dartmouth, Columbia, Brown or any other fancy pants name they choose. Why should rich illiterates like George Bush and Donald Trump get to go to Ivy League schools while people who aren’t as rich as these guys, but who are just as stupid or even less stupid than they are, be forced to go to less prestigious institutions. Why should celebrities and investment bankers be the only ones to get their kids into top-notch colleges simply because they have the means and connections to bribe athletic coaches and SAT examiners to game the college-admissions system. My plan evens out the playing field for all high school students in the country who want to go to college and as a bonus lets them go to the best schools in the land.

Boolah, boolah, save your moolah, go to an exceptional and outstanding schoola, and don’t forget to vote for me!

Health Care

Everybody knows that universal health care in America is not going to happen right away and until then we need to vastly improve our nation’s health care system. Here’s my idea for doing that: annex Canada and offer Americans free transportation to get treated in the land of socialized medicine. People who like their insurance plans and want to stay with their own doctors here will be permitted to do so. A deal will be made with Mexico to supply prescription drugs on the cheap at south-of-the-border prices. To assuage Canadian citizens for any anger or grief they may feel for having their country subsumed into the USA, I will direct the American government to reserve large blocks of rooms in Miami Beach during the winter for use only by Canadians and I will ask car rental companies in Florida to provide special discount prices solely for Canucks. My health care plan is a win-win for both countries and a great short-term fix for a horrible long-term mess.

When you’re sick, be worry free, when you’re well, vote for me!

Climate Change

            Every thinking person knows that climate change is real and the earth is getting warmer. But many climate change deniers say it doesn’t matter what’s happening to the planet because God will take care of everything. To keep us all from getting fricasseed because of that religious belief and to save the world from becoming uninhabitable due to the pernicious effects of global warming I propose air conditioning the planet. One might reasonably ask, how could that be done? Here’s how: as president I will encourage and support America’s best scientific minds to develop a low-cost, workable, and ecologically sound program to air condition the earth. For people who don’t like my plan because they enjoy warm weather my advice is to put on a sweater when the world’s air conditioning gets turned on. I do that in the summer when my wife flips on the a/c in our house on hot days and it works out just fine. See you for drinks by the pool.

Don’t be a fool, the world needs to be cool, if you agree, please vote for me!

Reduced Voting Age

            House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says she favors lowering the voting age in federal elections to sixteen, which sounds like the start of a good idea to me. But a better idea, and one that I favor, is to lower the voting age to six, since both teenagers and kids in elementary school get lots of their political news from the same sources, namely television and listening to their parents BS about politics at home. The “pre-sixteens” in many ways may make better voters than their older counterparts because teenagers spend tons of time on Instagram and Twitter where they are susceptible to Russian and other bad actor meddling. Also, the electorate has gotten steadily dumber over the years and nobody reads any more, so understanding stuff and perusing policy no longer matter in choosing our nation’s representatives. All that’s needed for that task is a pulse, a voter registration card, and directions on how to get to the polls.

Liar, liar, pants on fire, ice cream is free if you vote for me!

Immigration

Donald Trump wants to build a wall on America’s southern border to keep illegal immigrants out of our country. He’s right about building something but it’s not a wall that should be built, rather a big, beautiful two thousand mile mall with valet parking on the US side of the border and courtrooms on the Mexican side where cases can be heard from refugees seeking asylum. People successful in that endeavor will be given credit card applications, discount coupons to the mall’s food courts, half-priced vouchers to Disneyworld, and American citizenship. Unsuccessful asylum seekers will get a goody bag of cosmetics samples, a three-month free membership to the BJs in Mexico City, letters of introduction to work at Trump-related properties around the world, and the heave ho. Mexico will pay for the mall, and if they do so before the end of my first term as president I will ask the construction companies working on the mall to give them a ten percent rebate. Talk about being an amigo.

Forget the wall, build a mall, heed my plea, vote for me!