Warning: Sarcastic Spoiler Alerts!

The Sun Also Rises

An impotent American, a slutty Englishwoman, and their questionable expatriate friends drink and fuck their way around Europe.  (For a generation referred to as “lost,” they don’t seem to have much trouble finding the bars.)

The Great Gatsby

A gangster tries to steal another man’s wife and is shot by a different woman’s husband who mistakenly thinks the gangster is having an affair with his wife, killing the great Gatsby in an act that is, if you’ll pardon the pun, a great irony.

The Catcher in the Rye

After being expelled from prep school, an obnoxious, pain-in-the-ass, full-of-himself, New York City teenager, who accuses everyone of being a “phony,” aimlessly carouses around Manhattan, finally meeting up with his sister, the only person he feels he can talk to…who, since she’s only ten years old, is probably also the only one who can put up with listening to him.

The Fountainhead

A pigheaded architect, after being hired by the wealthy husband of a woman he used to fuck, agrees to design a building for the man if the man agrees that no changes will be made, and when changes are made, the nut-job architect blows up the building, is arrested, stands trial where he gives some bullshit speech, and is acquitted for some bullshit reason.

On the Road

Two cannabis-lovers smoke, drink, fuck, impregnate, marry and divorce their way around the U.S., eventually winding up in Mexico where, in addition to getting dysentery, they continue to smoke, drink, fuck impregnate, marry and divorce their way around Mexico, before returning to the U.S. where, exhaustion finally taking its toll, they contemplate settling down – but after thinking about it, they decide Nah!

The Maltese Falcon

A gumshoe, a treacherous and promiscuous woman, an effeminate Levantine homosexual, and a fat man accompanied by a vicious young gunman are all tripping over one another in their search for a valuable statuette painted black over solid gold, which turns out to be a worthless statuette painted black over solid plaster.

Portnoy’s Complaint

A young Jewish man jerks off, gets laid, jerks off, gets laid, jerks off, gets laid, and-jerkon-and- fuckforth.  Which might cause one to wonder, what the hell is he complaining about?

Gone with the Wind

Enduring the travails of the American Civil War transforms a young, Southern, spoiled, selfish, female brat into an older, Southern, spoiled, selfish, female brat.  Frankly, my dear reader, I didn’t really give a damn.

Dracula

Stalker from hell, Transylvanian guy who died but isn’t dead wins over English girl by drinking her blood and turning her into girl who died but isn’t dead, till she’s finally made dead for good by stake in heart, beheading and lots and lots of garlic…at which point persistent stalker from hell tries his act again with girl’s best friend but doesn’t succeed since people now have experience making people who died but aren’t dead really dead.

Crime and Punishment

A young man murders an old woman and then feels guilty about it.  Duh!