With company pensions going the way of the dinosaur and Social Security on the skids, young people should be thinking about how to provide for themselves in their old age. But most kids are too busy paying off student loans and trying to get jobs to think about such things. Well, I’ve given some thought to what the younger generation can do to sensibly plan for their senior years and I’d like to share some of my musings on the matter. Young people, pay attention to what I’m about to say! It could mean the difference between a future with no money worries and a permanent place in line at the neighborhood soup kitchen.

Retirement Idea #1: Make Sure Your Parents Like You

Some parents leave money to their children for no other reason than the obligation they feel that comes from the parent-child relationship. But other parents feel no such duty. They may bequeath their money to Uncle Charley, alma mater, or the Society for the Perpetuation of Portuguese Petunias.

To make sure your parents’ inheritance doesn’t go to a bunch of interlopers, you better make sure that your parents like you. This means you must listen empathetically to your father’s rants against the federal government and your mother’s complaints about “that bitch Aunt Julia.” You must also remember to send a card to your parents on their birthdays and let them rag on your spouse if you have one. And, if you return home because you were fired from your job or your better half decided to call it quits, offer to make your bed and do the dishes.

Now even if you follow my advice and get an inheritance, that money may not be enough to pay for a decent retirement. That’s why you should strongly consider retirement idea #2.

Retirement Idea #2: Reduce Your Spending

If you live by the motto “a penny saved is a penny earned” you will be able to accumulate a nice piece of change by the time you’re ready to retire. But with so many great things to buy in the world it can be difficult to save one’s pennies. Here are a few ideas to help you toward that goal.

Do not purchase clothing. Hang around Salvation Army drop-off bins and tell people who are donating clothes there that they should donate them to you because charity begins at home and home is where you’re going. Tell them also that you will give them receipts so they can take a tax deduction.

As far as acquiring a set of wheels, you don’t need to purchase an expensive SUV or a BMW to be cool. Join the army and they’ll let you drive pricier vehicles for nothing. Uncle Sam will also pay for your room and board and these days many soldiers get to travel to exotic places like the Middle East. (Be sure to visit the pyramids when you’re there.) Though it’s true army salaries aren’t very high, the death benefit has recently been raised, which brings up another plus for military service. If you’re killed in action you won’t have to worry about retirement.

Finally, skip lunch. Where is it written that a person has to have three meals a day? Have two and for lunch read a book and fill yourself up on food for thought.

Retirement Idea #3: Work More

There are 168 hours in a seven-day week and I’m sure you’re not working most of them. Well, get cracking! Figure out the number of hours that you need to eat, sleep, and take care of your bodily functions and subtract that number from 168. Then find yourself employment for the rest of the time.

There’s a threefold advantage in working round the clock, namely, you will make more money if you work more hours, and that additional sum can be saved; if you’re constantly working you won’t have time to buy anything; and you’ll have a more tranquil home life since you can’t fight with those close to you if you never see them.

There’s one slight negative to working lots of hours. You may become exhausted and drop dead on the job. But this can also be a positive because, as was mentioned earlier, kicking the bucket at work means you won’t have to worry about providing for your golden years.

Retirement Idea #4: Become a Member of Congress

In contrast to what’s happening with private sector pensions, government pensions are here to stay. And one of the best ways to collect such a pension is to become a Congressperson, a job that not only offers a pension but other benefits not typically associated with government work—for example, as a member of Congress you can go on radio and TV and tell everybody how you think the world should be run, you can take travel junkets paid for by lobbyists, you can receive kickbacks from businesses currying your vote, and you get free postage. Moreover, unlike other government employees, congressional representatives can increase their pensions by voting themselves pay raises. But you better start running for office soon. Other people may read this piece and figure out what a great retirement idea it is to become a US legislator.