GEORGE WASHINGTON

“Government is not reason; it is not eloquence; it is force! Like fire, it is a dangerous servant and a fearful master.”

NOW

So maybe he got it right for once. Who cares?

 

THOMAS JEFFERSON

“One man with courage is a majority.”

NOW

We’ll see. We’ll see.

 

JOHN ADAMS

“A pen is certainly an excellent instrument to fix a man’s attention and to inflame his ambition.”

NOW

Not anymore. We have Twitter. Pens are just for signing.

 

ANDREW JACKSON

“I know what I am fit for. I can command a body of men in a rough way, but I am not fit to be President.”

NOW

He’s my favorite, the best we ever had before me.

 

MARTIN VAN BUREN

“It is easier to do a job right than to explain why you didn’t.”

NOW

Never heard of him either. Anyway, he was wrong.

 

JOHN TYLER

“Popularity. I have always thought, may aptly be compared to a coquette; the more you woo her, the more apt is she to elude your embrace.”

NOW

Another nobody. What’s a coquette?  These are all fake people.

 

MILLARD FILLLMORE

“An honorable defeat is better than a dishonorable victory.”

NOW

I don’t know where you find these guys. They don’t know what they’re talking about.

 

RUTHERFORD B. HAYS

“Nothing brings out the lower traits of human nature like office seeking.”

NOW

You finally found someone who makes sense. We need more people like that.

 

ABRAHAM LINCOLN

“If slavery is not wrong, nothing is wrong.”

NOW

OK, you finally found someone I’ve heard of. I agree, but we had full employment then.

 

THEODORE ROOSEVELT

“To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are to stand by the president, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic but is morally treasonable to the American public.”

NOW

He sounds like one of those cable news guys like Brian Williams or that Irishman O’Donnell. I’ll bet O’Donnell’s grandfather was an immigrant.

 

WOODROW WILSON

“Above all, tell the truth.”

NOW

At least I’ve heard of him. He’s the one who got us into that Club of Nations. What a loser!

 

WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT

“Politics, when I am in it, makes me sick.”

NOW

Don’t try to tell me that man was a Republican. He was just some weakling. Crafty Tafty.

 

FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

NOW

He must have been afraid of the dark to admit that.

 

RICHARD M. NIXON

“I like the job I have but if I had to live my life over again. I would like to have been a sports writer.”

NOW

I never read the sports pages. They’re printed.

JOHN F. KENNEDY

“Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.”

NOW

I see that the other way around. A complete 360 turn.

 

LYNDON B. JOHNSON

“A president’s hardest task is not to do what is right, but to know what is right.”

NOW

He invented the Vietnam war and that’s why we have homeless veterans.

 

WILLIAM J. CLINTON

“If you live long enough, you’ll make mistakes. But if you learn from them, you’ll be a better person.”

NOW

What’s to learn? I don’t make mistakes. If I made mistakes, I wouldn’t be where I am.

 

BARACK OBAMA

“To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.”

NOW

Imagine if he were still president. What chaos, but I’m the only person who can fix it. I’m fixing it.  I had the hugest, really hugest crowd in the history of the world. Believe me. Believe me.