Of course, anyone can follow the excellent examples available from government officials, but individual circumstances need original falsehoods. The first step is to list all the potentially illegal or accidental situations for which a plausible lie might be useful; a lie that’s basically harmless. Such lies never even remotely approach qualifying as “a high crime and misdemeanor”. They’re excusable under the proper circumstances.

For instance, if a person has occasionally been pulled over by the highway patrol for failing to stop for the mandatory three seconds at a stop sign, be prepared for that eventuality by always having a crumpled tissue in the drink holder of the car. That simple provision can mean the difference between a mere citation and a disproportionately large fine. Just apologize, saying “I sneezed and when people sneeze, they close their eyes”. It’s a human reflex action, and if it happens at a stop sign, it is nothing more than bad timing.  How can a sneeze be refuted? Not if there’s that tissue easily accessible and in plain sight. A fresh tissue in a purse or pocket is no help. No neatly folded tissue can prove that there was no car, bicycle or pedestrian coming from any direction. To say so would be an admission of guilt, even when the driver has been in line for 10 minutes, and roads running North, South, East & West are all clear. Re-stopping again for those three seconds shouldn’t be mandatory if it was already done exactly 30 times.

Never use forgetfulness as an excuse for not recalling an incident that may have happened more than a month ago.  “I don’t remember”, in the language of legal issues, is always a dangerous statement and taken as refusal to answer a question.

A history of fainting is less risky. When people faint, they’re unconscious. Otherwise healthy people can faint for many reasons; strenuous exercise in great heat, skipped meals, impending danger or sudden excruciating pain. If pain is chosen, the chest is a better location than an ankle sprain. Sprains last longer, but chest pain is more pardonable. Bad news can cause a person to faint, but most important of all, fainting has the advantage of not requiring witnesses. A person who momentarily feels about to faint while driving might cross the double yellow line, run over a skunk, or knock down a yield sign. Even the sternest patrol officer doesn’t expect a driver to pick up a dead skunk, swerve into the opposite lane to avoid a rock or replant a sign.  Fainting should never be offered if there’s an incident any more serious than that. It shouldn’t be used in crowded settings.

If there’s something people think of essential to their happiness, being questioned under oath often causes worry that they’ll be considered addicts. “Are you or ever have been overly fond of any food, drink or medication?”

Say Yes!  because there are thousands of exculpating answers, easy to enlarge upon.  “I enjoy shrimp tempura, and have it once a month.” “I know it’s alcoholic, but I often put a tablespoon of Triple Sec on berries.” “The only ice cream flavor I like is chocolate. “I take 1000 milligrams of Vitamin C daily.” The number of possible addictions is virtually infinite and wastes so much time that the interviewer will usually change the subject. You don’t even need a lie.

Many Americans remain unaware that putting a book, party invitations or political notices in a neighbor’s mailbox is a Federal crime. Ignorance of a law is unacceptable as an excuse for a violation.  A friend wants to borrow a book and isn’t home when the owner is finished. Isn’t it logical to put that book in the mailbox instead of making the friend wait until USPS brings it days later?  Wouldn’t it be considerate to warn nearby residents that a rock band might be playing until midnight? The party could be a last-minute decision. Can such kind acts really be Federal crimes when there are scores of more destructive ones? Crimes that can turn American democracy into a dictatorship? People always look at their snail mail, so including the midterm election sheet is a thoughtful gesture. Postage can be donated to a preferred candidate. Just make the mailbox rounds late; after dark and in a Halloween costume.