By Martin H. Levinson

The U.S. military has had great success setting up no-fly zones over the lands of foreign enemies. So maybe we should unleash the power of the military over domestic foes. Here are some ideas on how to do this.

I. The fight against obesity

Americans are among the fattest people in the world, which isn’t a good thing because when overweight individuals go to the hospital for weight-related illnesses they increase medical insurance premiums for the rest of us. Can anything be done about this problem? The answer is yes, specifically have the military impose a no-fry zone.

To wit, the U.S. military could declare martial law in the nation and ban fried foods from being cooked here. To enforce this decree, American soldiers would be stationed in restaurant kitchens across the United States to make sure no foods were fried in them, and at meal times raids would be conducted in homes throughout the land to assure people were munching fried-free fare. American naval power would participate in this endeavor by delivering threats to fire cruise missiles at Kentucky and Church’s fried chicken restaurants if they served people fried food. Air Force drones would fly low over the country looking for fried-food chicken guzzlers trying to flout the fried-food ban.

Once a no-fry zone was successfully established the military would begin the second phase of the enterprise, which, to keep the pressure going, would be to proclaim a no-pie zone. The purpose of such a pastry-free precinct would be to get Americans to ingest fruits and other healthy foodstuffs for dessert. The final part of the operation would be a widening of food restrictions via a no-ham-on-rye zone, a no-pizza-pie zone, and for Americans of Jewish descent, a no-chazari zone.

II. The battle with legislative duplicity

To fight legislative duplicity, U.S. armed forces could set up a no-lie zone in Congress. Specifically, American troops trained in spotting alternative facts would be stationed inside Congressional hearing rooms to detect lies told by legislators. When falsehoods are discovered, the lawmakers telling them would be questioned, and if it was determined a person fibbed they would be sent for rehabilitation to a no-being-a-wise-guy zone.

The military would also establish a no-cry zone to spare the public from having to watch their elected representatives, such as former U.S. Senator John Boehner, break down when giving talks and interviews. If anybody should be crying these days it is the American people, which has had to tolerate spineless Congressional clowns who defer making important decisions on the economy and as a result have left us all in a we’ve-been-put-out-to-dry zone.

III. Virtual war

Wouldn’t it be great to have a no-hi zone to restrict people you don’t know from sending emails that begin with the chatty salutation “hi” rather the more formal “hello.” And how about a no-buy zone to keep annoying popup ads from appearing on your computer screen when you google something. Such zones are perfectly doable through U.S. government Internet surveillance, which, since 9/11, the CIA is already doing through a no-you-cannot-ask-why zone and a what-we-do-is-pry zone.

IV. Confronting mockery

From trying to make liberal heads explode to calling people “deplorables,” there is too much dissing going on in our culture these days. To promote graciousness and civility, the military could enact a no-wry zone. In that zone, conversations would have to be straightforward and respectful. Those who transgressed that rule would be sent to a you-think-you’re-sly zone and the worst offenders would go to a you-better-not-decry-and-have-discussions-go-awry zone. Individuals who kept on issuing insults would be ushered to a bye-bye zone where they would be forced to watch the writer of this satire typing on his computer in an I-am-giving-this-piece-a-try zone.