Visiting California recently, President Trump recalled a conversation with his Finnish counterpart, who told him that in his country they spend “a lot of time raking and cleaning and doing things” in order to prevent wildfires.  But President Sauli Niinistö admitted to a newspaper in Helsinki that he did not remember talking about the subject when the two met, and that the only raking he sees is in his own backyard.

Social media in Finland ignited with responses to Trump’s remarks, calling for MAGA to be replaced by MARA (“Make American Rake Again”) and joking that Finns must rake for a mandatory two hours per day.  One woman posted a photo on Twitter, titled “Just an ordinary day in the Finnish forest,” showing her sweeping the leaf-strewn ground with a vacuum cleaner.  Meanwhile late-night hosts on American networks joined in the ridicule.  Stephen Colbert noted in his monologue, “There are 33 million acres of forest in California alone, so that’s our show tonight.  Everyone grab a rake on the way out.”  Seth Meyers observed that the more this president talks, “the clearer it is that he’s never been outside.”

The media failed to report an incident that occurred during Trump’s tour of the disaster area in northern California.  The President bragged to the members of his entourage—including Governor Jerry Brown, Governor-elect Gavin Newsom and Republican congressman Kevin McCarthy (R-CA)—that he knew more about raking than anyone, just as he does about making deals, waging war, abolishing Obamacare, cutting taxes, levying tariffs, capturing Osama bin Laden, defeating ISIS, building walls and “the horror of nuclear.”

Trump called for an aid to find a rake.  Taking it in his small hands, he said, “Watch my swing.”  When one of his advisors warned that a rake was not a five-iron, it was already too late because the President had wound up and struck the forest floor, scattering leaves on his entourage and clipping McCarthy’s shoulder in the follow-through.

Asked to comment, former Vice President Dick Cheney, an expert on wounding members of his own party, dismissed the news as “just a small accident of friendly fire.”  The press excoriated Vice for the inappropriate metaphor.

As the wildfires still smolder in California and in the president’s brain, there are rumors that Trump will take bold new measures to improve forest management.  One White House insider, who asked to be anonymous, has hinted the chief executive may abolish the Peace Corps—”a leftover from the Dems in Kennedy’s time”—with a new and larger organization.  The Rake Corps will decrease our already-low unemployment rate by offering summer jobs to young men and women who want to do their part in making America great again.

Since the federal government owns approximately 819 million acres of forest land, the new organization will need to employ a minimum of 1,000,000 recruits, on the assumption that all could “rake and clean and do things” on their allotted 819 acres, the equivalent of 1.28 square miles per head.  Estimates by the Forest Inventory and Analysis, an agency of the U.S. Department of Agriculture, indicate that each member of the Corps should be able to “cover his or her territory in about 1,770 man-hours.”  Raking 20 hours per day, the volunteers would complete their task in three months, in time to return to college or their regular jobs by Labor Day.

When rumors leaked that she would be named to head the Rake Corps, Sarah Palin acknowledged that she would be qualified, since she can see the forests of Siberia from her house in Alaska.  She also argued that “massive raking would clear the way for more pipelines.”  Reporters pressed for more details, but Palin withdrew, smiling and shouting, “Rake, baby, rake!”