The kids are coming back home for festivities and the inevitable family gatherings are right around the corner. But, surprise! This winter you have decided to shake things up and end the year lit! Follow these guidelines and you’ll be set.

First, if you’re a father, grow a beard.

Use passive-aggressive behavior when communicating. Wait for a text from them asking about the plans for this year. Send the ‘thumbs up’ emoji, and then ghost them for a few days by not responding to their texts/calls. Follow up with replying, “nm” (nothing much) at midnight when they ask about plans again. Be sure to set a date and then cancel it the day before, but inevitably following through with said plans. Don’t worry, they are used to this behavior and it won’t have any long-term effects.

Replace all the family portraits with photos of yourself during your prime for them to casually stumble across. Show examples of you surfing in Maui, or maybe getting your first tattoo. Don’t have any daring photos from the past? Go on Fiverr and pay a freelance graphic designer $5 to Photoshop Drake hanging out with you.

If your kid plans to bring a significant other, hang mistletoe above the front door. Upon arrival make-out with their partner ASAP to show dominance. Don’t worry! This is a hall pass to be a bad ass this season.

Present them with spiked eggnog and chug your first glass in front of them (practice this before). Plan to order Chinese food for dinner so you can get a solid nap in earlier. Nothing is cool about mom or dad falling asleep during Die Hard or Mean Girls. Be the last to fall asleep. This is crucial.

Stuff their stockings with weed. Fill them with so much marijuana. Stick a blunt in there, some edibles and maybe a grinder or two. Puff-puff pass the presents.

If all else fails, get a face tattoo.