Keyboard symbols used to rule the roost. Remember these?

See you soon!  : – )

Bad news!  : – (

Love you!  ; – )

It was fun stuff. Nice and light, no fluff, just keepin’ it real. But some of us got complacent, and what with emojis, bitmojis, and the like, times have gotten tough. Work has become scarce, and several symbols have managed to send notes down the keyboard to me, asking in wonder, how did you do it?

Most of you know my story. I come from very humble beginnings, and for the better part of my existence I was known simply as the lackluster “number sign.” I was barely noticed, rarely used, and often easily replaced with “no.” by lazy writers who didn’t want to put forth the effort to shift. But with an abundance of grit, a sense of adventure, and a fully loaded ink cartridge, I’ve managed to claw my way from near obscurity to greater success than most keyboard symbols have ever experienced. My agent has me involved in so many endorsement deals these days that I never know where I’m going to see myself next. Just today, I did a stint on a billboard ad for a radio station (#Throwback Thursdays), was selected for the title of a cookbook (#FoodPorn), and saw myself emblazoned across a woman’s t-shirt (#Blessed).

Spiritual wisdom has taught us that to whom much is given, much is required. I’ve worked diligently over the past five years, and with the added help of the cosmos, I’ve achieved great things. Like an NFL athlete with a multi-million dollar contract, it’s my turn to give back to the community, to help my fellow brethren on the board. For that reason, I’ve written this simple guide which details my rise to prominence and offers six crucial steps to symbol stardom. Study it. Live it. And this time next year, I’ll see you emblazoned across some random woman’s chest.

Step 1: Reinvent, Reinvent, Reinvent

Remember the iconic, ingenious musician and songwriter who was obsessed with all things purple? He began his career as Prince, then later transformed into The Artist Formerly Known As Prince, then was later known as simply The Artist, and then eventually reverted back to Prince. His Majesty always kept us guessing, with new sounds, new looks, and imaginative films and videos. Prince fully mastered the art of reinvention, which is the first step in becoming a legendary keyboard symbol.

As I mentioned in the introduction, I began my career as a number sign, always appearing as the precursor to a number, like the lame opening act at a Drake concert. I wasn’t content with that, so I began a foray into music, and established myself as the sharp of several notes. Beethoven wrote an exquisite piece which originally included me in its title, “Piano Sonata No. 14 in C#”, but the powers that be preferred the more romantic name “Moonlight Sonata”, under which it achieved fame. Realizing I would receive limited exposure in the music industry and that something flashier would always win out, I remained ever-vigilant. When voicemail appeared on the scene in the ‘80s, I promptly put myself in the running and became the all-important “pound sign” that people must press to ensure that their message was sent. I stayed up on technology and as the dot.com industry hit and social media became ubiquitous, I was ready, willing, and able to take my rightful place in history as the ever-popular hashtag.

So stay current. Watch the trends. Diversify your repertoire and constantly reinvent yourself so that you’re fully prepared when opportunities arise. Be ready to strike, and you’ll strike it rich.

Step 2: Know Thyself

In the early days of my career, I took a good long look at who and what I was up against. As mentioned previously, more times than not I was replaced by the ever-boring “no.”. When people did actually take the time to use me, such as in “#6”, I was simply the bridesmaid who everyone wants out of the way so they can see the bride. On other occasions, I was referred to as a measure of weight, even though that wasn’t who I am or who I wanted to be. People’s weight is a source of angst, and I didn’t want to be associated with that. I was also, on occasion, confused with British currency. Instead of playing second fiddle to these terms and characters, I struck out boldly and refused to allow others to define me. I was the master of my own destiny. In order to be a successful symbol, you must take the reigns, plot your own course, and make your goals nonnegotiable.

Step 3: Choose Strong Role Models & Find Your Tribe

I’m lucky enough to be sandwiched between two phenomenal neighbors: @ on my left, and $ on my right. Not only are they wonderful, trustworthy keys, their stories were inspiration enough to light a fire under my key. $ — I mean, wow. Simply legendary, need I say more? The symbol for the currency of the most powerful country in the world. And she gets gigs that require her to perform in triplicate, in reviews for high-end restaurants, for example.

My brother @ is equally impressive. He began humbly, like myself, as just a symbol for the word “at.” But he dug in during the technology explosion and claimed a integral place in email addresses. Having locked that in, he moved on and established himself as part of people’s Twitter handles. Amazing.

These friends encouraged me and lifted me up during moments of doubt, reminding me to keep my eyes on the prize, to never give up. My good friends “e” and “w”, who live on the floor below me, also pumped me up, and even convinced the rest of the alphabet to come together to help me write this handy pamphlet.

Find friends in your immediate surroundings that can help you. Lean on them. Count on them. They’ll help you along the path to success and be there to cheer for you when you arrive.

Step 4: Use Your Platform For Good

Gandhi said, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” Fellow keyboard symbols, don’t be content with only seeking out fortune and fame. Find ways to use your platform to do something that’s important and lasting in the world. Attach yourself to social causes and political movements. You’ve seen my involvement in up-to-the-minute causes such as #MeToo, #TimesUp, #BlackLivesMatter, #InconvenientTruth. I’ve helped usher in a new day of increased consciousness regarding the issues that plague society and keep people divided. If you tend to shy away from these types of matters, at the very least choose something neutral like #SweaterWeather. You’ll be doing the important task of helping people with their wardrobe choices for the day as it pertains to the current climate. Do good. Change the world.

Step 5: Illegitimi Non Carborundum

I once did some time on the keyboard of a kid who was majoring in Latin. I wasn’t thrilled at first, but it was a great opportunity to learn some pithy phrases. This one means, quite frankly, “Don’t let the bastards get you down.” As Taylor Swift famously sang, haters gonna hate. And boy, was she right. I deal with it all the time. It’s relentless. ~ feels that he never really gets any play, but I’ve told him that his meaning is too ambiguous, he needs to develop a clear definition. & feels that people often replace her with “and” because she’s too tricky for people to write. + is upset, and I’m like, hey, what’s your problem, you’ve got the entire field of mathematics on lockdown for yourself. – is tired of being at the end of sentences, splitting words, and his heyday in the ‘90s when women were hyphenating their names is long gone. I keep telling them to reinvent, diversify, watch the trends, but they’d rather just sit and sulk, grumbling about what they feel is my undeserved success.

You will encounter this as you rise to fame. Don’t let it bother you. Move on. Tell those fools to step off. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

Step 6: Help Others

I sleep comfortably on the top bunk of a bunk bed and have done so for decades. My friend and roomie, 3, has occupied the lower bunk all of this time, without complaint. My original plan was that this guide would contain 3 steps, in gratitude and appreciation of this cool dude, and as a general shout out, but he begged off. “I appreciate the thought, good buddy, but I’ve got plenty of work,” he said. And he’s right. People constantly refer to him both directly and indirectly, in various derivations, around the globe. He’s got eternal, limitless publicity with the Holy Trinity, plus there’s the writer’s Rule of Three, not to mention companies like Bed, Bath and Beyond, phrases like ‘hook, line, and sinker’, and that stint in the ‘70s when Schoolhouse Rock anointed him as a magic number. He’s still riding high from that one.

So during a late-night discussion, we talked about who could most use our help. 7 was all booked up, with the Seven Steps of Highly Effective People, the Seven Stages of Grief, and a bunch of motivational stuff by Anthony Robbins. We decided on 6, who happily sits in the middle, keeping the peace and putting up with grumpy ^ as a roommate. She was grateful for the publicity, and I was thrilled to help her. “6 Steps to Stardom”—perfect. Rolls right off the tongue!

As you begin to establish yourself as a result of this guide, don’t forget those you left behind on the keyboard. Find ways to prop them up along with you. It’s a way of showing gratitude to the Universe. And I guarantee that what you’re sending out in this way will return to you, 6-fold.

            ———

So there you have it. All of my secrets, revealed for your edification. I wish you all the best in your quest for greatness.

#NeverGiveUp  #FightOn  #BeAwesome  #BeBlessed