By Martin Levinson

Effective communication is one of the most essential skills to master to succeed in life. It’s the key to great and long-lasting relationships. The following five communication tips will help you solidify those relationships and, just as importantly, pave your way to achieve all the life goals you have set for yourself.

1. Never put it in writing

Joe sends Tom, Dick, and Harry an email containing the words “Have a nice day,” meaning for them to have a pleasant twenty-four hours. But that’s not how they read the message. Tom thinks “Have a nice day is such a throw-away line. I bet Joe says that to everyone he corresponds with.” Dick’s take is “How come Joe didn’t write ‘Have a great day?’ Why did he wish me just a nice one?” And Harry figures “Joe’s a jerk. He knows I’m dealing with lots of difficult problems. How can I have a nice day with all the stuff I have to handle?”

The fact is, anything you write to someone will be misconstrued. And, as we have just seen, that includes expressions as innocuous as “Have a nice day.” Therefore, if an urge comes upon you to write something to somebody wait till that longing goes away. Or write whatever it is you want to say, save it as a draft, and don’t send it. Better yet, delete that note! If you save it you might inadvertently send it, and you know what that means.

2. Say as little as possible

As with writing, whatever you tell someone will be misjudged. However, unlike writing, you will immediately be given a hard time for saying it. Therefore, keep your mouth shut and simply listen during conversations. To not fall asleep when the other person is talking, nod your head up and down every fifteen seconds or so. That should give you plenty of time to daydream and focus on your own thoughts. If you get bored with all the head bobbing tell the other individual “I see what you’re getting at” or “Makes sense to me.” Gives the same results.

3. Don’t move

As with writing and speaking, others will misapprehend whatever you communicate nonverbally. If you cross your arms because that feels comfortable, people will think you’re angry. If you cross your legs because that also feels good, people will think you’re withholding. If you smile because you want to be friendly, people will think you’re an idiot.

One way to minimize the chance that others will misread your nonverbal cues is to die. Dead people, because of their lack of movement, usually do not confuse the living with their gestures. If that communication strategy does not appeal to you, try to move around as little as possible when talking with others. If you’re into yoga, assume the corpse position in discussions. Alternatively, claim you suffer from narcolepsy and take a nap.

4. Live on a deserted island

Living on a deserted island is an excellent way to reduce the possibilities for human misunderstanding, as there won’t be anybody around to get wrong ideas about what you want to convey. Write, talk, behave however you like; if you’re by yourself, no one can take you to task. However, be careful not to yell at or make abrupt gestures to any creatures on the island who are bigger or who have sharper teeth than you because misconceptions on their part may prove fatal. Try to engage such animals in card games and make sure that you lose.

5. Speak softly and carry a big stick

President Theodore Roosevelt successfully used this communication strategy at the beginning of the twentieth century. Employing it, he was able to convince the Colombian government to let America build the Panama Canal, persuade rebels in the Philippines to give up their insurgency, and induce Mrs. Roosevelt to have his breakfast ready when he got up in the morning. If you adopt this strategy you might want to consider carrying a book of postmodern poems rather than a big stick. There’s nothing like threatening to read postmodern poetry to get people to pay attention to you.