You may not be material for a cruise. Cruise brochures will not warn you about this because Cruise lines qualify for rescue services from Jake’s Recovery Operations only if they have a FULL SHIP to rescue. Jake will not rescue ships that are only half full. He has a reputation to uphold. So the cruise ships want YOU on board. Now, let’s go over what you need to be cruise material.

First of all, you have to be the kind of person who can make plans, or plan ahead. My wife is that kind of person. She plans ahead for a trip to the grocery store. And I don’t mean just making out the list. What to wear, gas in the car, traffic patterns, what the stock market did that day, and why our congressional leaders have the intelligence of cauliflower – all enter in.

But I digress. we are considering YOUR fitness for a cruise. For instance, there are many things that need to be taken into consideration before you sign up for a cruise.  Things like,

1. The state of your finances. You will need at least $10,000 up front. If you can’t locate sufficient discretionary funds send your children to work. And that’s just to make a reservation.
2. Your mobility. You should be able to sit up and feed yourself. Perhaps others. You must also be able to walk the length of three football fields, the distance from your room to the cafeteria.
3. Events in the Republic of Kiribati. You ARE going into international waters, aren’t you?
4. Can you speak Spanish, Ugandan, Yerti, and Gibberish? This will not help you with the natives who talk so fast they should be phone solicitors, but it will help you look like you think you know what you are talking about.
5. Do you believe the earth is round? Cruise lines want only intelligent people on board, who understand geography and science.

If you scored pretty well on these items you should actually work for the cruise lines, let them pay you, not you pay them.

I almost forgot. One of the most important preparations involves your “papers.”  If the cruise ship is traveling anywhere outside of the North American continent’s low tide line, you will need papers. These include, but are not limited to, your birth certificate, all special awards in elementary school, Scout badges, any musical certificates, your GPS scores, all vaccinations, your driver’s license, and a passport.

Now, what about your actual fitness for the actual cruise?

Consider these questions.

1. Do you like crowds and standing in line? Lines are most often encountered when boarding, at buffets, signing up for tours, restrooms on land tours, the gangway when reboarding after a land cruise, and trying to get off the ship as it is sinking.
2. Can you eat 7 pounds of food a day? They will throw food at you every chance they get. It is not always recognizable. You must gain 10 lbs. on a cruise. It’s the law. If you do not eat it all, they are very offended, and may injure you for life. Some light eaters have disappeared at sea.
3. Do you mind if your room is under the ship galley that clanks and thumps most of the night so you can have clean plates in the morning, or above the twin 140,200 hp diesel engines that sound like jet airplanes with superchargers and make the whole room vibrate so much your eyebrows tremble? They will not let you sleep in the lounges.
4. Are you willing to entrust your safety to fellow passengers who were completely drunk during the “muster” explaining safety procedures in case of an unforeseen ship malfunction due to colliding with another cruise ship as you both race for the one available dock at your port-of-call?
5. Do you know enough about cruises to know what to look for in a cruise? Here are some tips,

-Pick a cruise in which the ship that does not sail in more than 20 ft. of water. Most cruise ships have a water line at 15 ft. above the bottom of the boat which means if the ship sinks it will drop only 5 feet. Do the math.

-Does the ship practice safe sex, um, safe health measures? Hand lotion is a good start, but if you read testimonials about passengers throwing up at the rail or being locked up behind “quarantine” signs you might look for another line.

-Avoid a ship with American staff. I’m sorry, but they are often surly and difficult because their parents have just divorced, or they resent having to work, or they have just broken up with their girlfriend, or boyfriend. Choose a ship with a foreign staff who are just happy to have a job and are usually more courteous and helpful. They are often good at English or hand signals like pointing.

-Pick a captain who knows his or her way around the instruments on the bridge. If you hear stories about him running through the ship shouting, “Does anybody know how to steer this thing?” you can be sure he hasn’t found the little joy sick that has replaced the big wheel in newer models.

-Make sure there is a large casino and many expensive shops and boutiques on the ship where people can lose or spend their money, respectively. This will not only shorten some of the lines mentioned earlier, but will increase your pleasure because you have not lost any of YOUR money those frivolous ways. You won’t, will you?

-If the ship advertises an exercise area and it turns out to be a one hole putt-putt, be sure to check out its other claims.  Are the books in the library available to read or locked behind bars? Is its tech center, a mimeograph machine, the old stencil and ink kind?  Does anyone actually work behind the SERVICE CENTER counter, and do the evening venues offering dance music have an actual dance floor or an area the size of a litter box?

I hate to bring it up but there is one more delicate matter you must consider, namely, throwing up at sea, or, as it is usually called, “upchucking.” If rolling on the high seas in 80 mph winds upsets your stomach consider packing medication. The medicine may or may not cure you, but it will help you hallucinate so you feel like you are safe.

Now as a final test of your fitness for a cruise cross your legs while standing upright. Put your right hand on your left buttock and your left hand on your right buttock as you are singing the Star Spangled Banner. Be sure it is your own buttocks. This exercise proves that you are loopy enough to go on a cruise and join in a floating party from which there is no escape but to jump overboard.¹

J.K. Robbins,.

Somewhere on a cruise lost
off the coast of Nova Scotia

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1. It is no accident that several passengers a year go missing from tour