Do you wish to write a satirical essay? Mind, it should be something original. If not, at least have the good sense to make it interesting. Don’t bore with more “ought.” The president ought to be honest, the government ought to be good, this essay ought to be attractive, and people ought not to be so tiresome and repetitious. Don’t insist on printing all that lecture and lesson about one’s virtues and another’s vices.

If you have good sense, please, correct your errors before printing. And if anyone points them out, don’t sink into despair. Simply, right them. And literally, stop being so verbatim. Try a typographical error now and again, if only to exaggerate the metaphoric and surreal allegory of the fantastic. It doesn’t “hurt” to extend, unless stretched too far. So, don’t consider what others call to mind. Attach it no weight and bear it none, for it is the superfluous words of senseless talk.

If simple and ridiculous parody is your goal, please create a sensible allusion. Most are simply too thick for the ironic mockery of editorial genius and the flair of fire. For instance, if you wish to “create” a satirical story, and drop in a backboard of how something, “happened to you,” please make your readers believe, but only to the point of not relenting your satirical moment. Insure that a reader doesn’t take you word for word, instead relying on your [this–section–intentionally–left–blank] to bellow that flash. Don’t rely on or worse, assume that a captive audience awaits you with supercilious superior intelligence and reasoning skills. Most want nothing but, a moment please; distraction.

Give it to them. Make logic a plaything, not an end in itself. Use philosophy, but make sure your reader can’t read or see it. Common sense, whatever that is, was or might be, is your best bet. Namely, people abhor anything but. Technical jargon, precise in apple pie order language, designs its way into an essay for the pretentious reader, the reader that believes their skills greatly exceed or are above that of the author. They are reading, not for information, learning or entertainment, but for the simple pleasure of punishing the writer. That reader wants nothing more than to hastily get to the comments section, and deride the writer to no end. Generally, they will not fault your logic, but the all important premise or supposition. And granted, that’s always wrong!

However, given a weak enough basis, or an altogether not present one; then there is every good reason to assail, attack and with wholly vengeance. So, it follows, insure your presumption is not presumptuous. Preface your assertion with all manner of candid remarks, creating if need be, tortuous pathways full of labyrinthine language and ambiguous, meandering, anfractuous abuse of term. But do so sparingly, so as not to drive away that reader solely reading for entertainment and leisure. For that is nine out of ten times, the reader.

If you are callow and of no use, do not anguish. There is plenty of room at the satirical bottom. And the satirical bottom is truthfully, more competent but often times too juvenile. For contrast, consider the satirical top. The satirical top exists for but one reason, to remain so. That writer’s sole existence is enduring for the tenure of a career. They compile and correlate satirical content simply for daily bread. And rightly so. For they’ve made a living of making mockery and a fool of everybody else. And once done, there’s no going back. Imagine a sardonic writer now a farmer, now a carpenter. What a laugh. So, fret not, the satirical bottom is full of wonderful surprises.

For the foolish writer’s life is an abysmal one. A sham profession, professing nothing. The churning out of gilded butter and consummate art, all wrapped in the garb of well–enunciated and articulate words. So, if a satirical bottom feeder, look at anything, write about it and send it away to that all awaiting cutting and incisive editor in the sky, in the offing for none other than you and your beloved masterpiece. Write whatever turns your fancy. The pen in front of you or the sword overseas, each is a Pulitzer hanging in the wind. But keep your ego low, and your head high, for the pen is indeed mightier than the sword.

And, for one last spin, please learn something about the syntactical abecedary of accident wording. For too often, reading a piece (generally a satirical top essay), is full of blunders and fallacies, most fit for politicians, pundits and experts alike. Generally feigning literary letters and brainy intent, but really; burlesque travesty entailing on the tragic. So, learn to write and keep your wit, advocating of such a counterfeit vocation an avocation, while doing something worthy, like farming, carpentry, plumbing, or selling satirical essays. Keeping in mind all the while that most comedic writers are torpid fools with nothing better to do than sit on their sumpter horse making with it that sole act of love, words.

© 2019 Kenneth Myers