by Marleen S. Barr
Mr. Trump was in front of cameras in the Rose Garden again, but only to trumpet an unemployment report that he hoped Mr. Floyd was “looking down” on in approval. . . .The caring would instead have to be outsourced. It came from Meghan Markle . . . in a video to the graduating class of her old high school. The duchess, the object of racist sniping in Britain, spoke to the agony of her home country, reciting a list of black victims of official violence.—James Poniewozick, “As Images of Pain Flood TV, ‘Where Is Our Leader?’ New York Times, June 5, 2020.
Meghan is excited about the role she can play in this moment of American history—and she might even take that energy all the way to elected office. . . . Lady Colin Campbell, the author of an upcoming biography of Meghan and Harry, thinks Meghan is aiming even higher. ‘I know the Duchess of Sussex has political ambitions and I’ve been told that one day, she wants to run for President,’ she said to the Daily Mail.—Erin Vanderhoof, “Is Meghan Markle Considering a Political Career Thanks to Black Lives Matter?” Vanity Fair, June 22, 2020.
Of course when Meghan Markle became Queen of America she was a better and more empathetic leader than Trump. The new queen supplanted the president when once upon a time she and Prince Harry decided that being British royalty was not all that it was cracked up to be. As soon as Paul Revere galloped down Fifth Avenue proclaiming that “the Sussexes are coming, the Sussexes are coming,” the world knew that their intention to relocate “somewhere in North America” meant “New York City.”
Soon after the couple ensconced themselves in The Plaza Hotel, Meghan, disconcerted by contemplating how she could live on only forty million dollars, decided to walk in Central Park. When she saw a shiny object sticking out of a rock, she picked it up as effortlessly as removing a knife from a block of cheese. Finding herself holding an impressively long sword, she read the words inscribed on it: “Whoever removes MegX-calibur from this stone will become Queen of the United States of America.” Meghan embraced her destiny in a New York minute. Queen of America was a much better gig than Queen of England. Deposing Trump the wannabe king was the first item on her new agenda.
With MegX-calibur held aloft she strode into the marble covered Trump Tower lobby. “As a member of the British royal family I claim this tower for England,” Meghan announced to the Secret Service agent operating the metal scanner.
“I am so sorry,” said the agent. “You can’t come into the building with a sword.”
Always keen to follow protocol, MegX-calibur floated off to The Plaza to tell Harry to join his wife in Trump Tower. In the meantime, Meghan purchased a Trump Tower apartment. The next day as crowds amassed in the lobby Meghan and Harry rode down the escalator to meet the adoring throng. The Secret Service could not stop Meghan the condo owner from holding MegX-calibur proudly aloft while Harry followed behind her waving.
She approached a podium while MegX-calibur joined Harry in the audience. “And so my fellow Americans,” began Meghan. “The Sussexes are not here to say ask not what British royalty can do for you, ask what you can do for British royalty.” As soon as she evoked President Kennedy, Richard Burton appeared overhead singing “Camelot.” “We have a quid pro quo in mind,” she continued. “You agree to turn America into a tradition free monarchy and make me your queen. I, in turn, will be able to rid you of the Trump administration horror story.” The audience became giddy with ecstasy by the mere thought that, unlike the Mueller Report and impeachment, Queen Meghan could effectively force Trump to relinquish power. Meghan proceeded eloquently to close the deal: “The Kennedys are no longer sexy American royalty. Trump’s mother was an immigrant from Britain who worked as a maid. The Trump family are fake aristocrats who would be toiling in Downton Abbey’s kitchen. Americans loved Downtown Abbey. You know that deep down inside you want a royal family to call your own. Well, Harry and I are the real thing. I am a luminous biracial celebrity who has a cool spouse. Just think of Queen Meghan the First as Obama 2.0. Would you rather look at my hot hunky husband or Trump’s fat tush? Okay, I give Melania that she is attractive. But so am I and I’m a talented woman who graduated from college. Unlike Melania, I in no way resemble Rocky the Flying Squirrel and Bullwinkle Moose’s communist nemesis Natasha Fatale.”
“Down with Trump,” chanted the crowd as Richard Burton began to sing “God Save The Queen.”
In the wake of Meghan’s resoundingly successful rally, people throughout America began to wear red coats and red beefeater hats emblazoned with “Make America Great Britain Again.” Nancy Pelosi acted quickly to move the Nullification of the Declaration of Independence through the House. As soon as the legislation was enacted, Queen Meghan–with Prince Harry, baby Archie, her mother, and MegX-calibur in tow–arrived in Washington to move into the White House. When Trump stood in the front doorway to block her from entering, Queen Meghan looked him straight in the eye and said “I command you to leave.” Federal marshals removed Trump with the help of a backhoe.
The Sussexes made themselves at home in The White House. With a nod to the eating habits of Trump’s tasteless base, they installed some turrets on the roof and renamed the building The White Castle. Then they set about branding everything in sight with the Sussex Royal logo. The opulent toilet they called “The Royal Flush” was their best seller.
Pelosi clapped enthusiastically when Queen Meghan delivered the first State of the New British Union Address. “Our union is strong and safe from Trump,” she asserted. “This is due to my quick thinking about hitting my father-in-law up for some money so that I could buy out all the residents of Trump Tower. Since no one wanted to live there anymore, you know who was the only holdout. Trump Tower, no longer a residential and partly commercial building, will now serve us in the manner of the Tower of London. Simply stated, it will function as a jail to house Trump.”
“Lock him up, lock him up,” shouted the assembled congresspersons and senators who were now all Democrats.
“Will do,” answered Queen Meghan. “I have already commanded that Trump will be held without bail under house arrest in the Tower. As I speak, MegX-calibur is dutifully standing guard outside the door of Trump’s apartment. Since I reminded it that I absolutely did not say ‘off with his head,’ Trump will spend the rest of his days safely inside.”
As Pelosi clapped louder, the ghost of Princess Diana, dressed as Glenda, appeared over Queen Meghan’s head. “I am so happy that my daughter-in-law made it possible for Americans to have a leader who is not a pussy grabbing barbarian. I can see into the future to reassure you that King Archie, who will be influenced by his progressive parents as much as I influenced Harry, will be much better for America than President Donald Trump, Jr. You did the right thing when you made America Great Britain again. And, last but not least, revenge is sweet.”
Pelosi clapped vigorously to the extent that she chafed her hands.
MegX-calibur, who knew all, shined brightly basking in the glow of having redefined phallic power.