By Eric Lichtblau
A groundskeeper at President Trump’s Virginia golf course found a crumpled-up draft of a concession speech written in Trump’s own hand, complete with misspellings and edits. The draft reveals a president deeply conflicted over the idea of giving up power.
November 11, 2020
First, I want to extend my sincere congratulations stubby middle finger to my opponent, Sleepy Joe Biden. He deserves our full and unqualified support the same kind of misery and disrespect that I have endured for the last four years. I am honored to have been your president madder than I’ve been since my very first bankruptcy. No American president since Caesar, maybe Christ himself, has been treated so unfairly. America, I have been tweeted (sic) abominably!
This is a time for healing and unity a big, pro-Trump boat parade. Those of you who keep track of my every promise and utterance, as if they carried any real meaning, may recall that I refused to promise a peaceful transition of power after this RIGGED election. Well, I have decided that I WILL leave the White House peacefully on January 20. I have no choice, really; I couldn’t find anyone to stage an armed resistance. I fired my Pentagon secretary, and no one else in the building would return my calls. Bill Barr and Rudy Giuliani said they’d take up arms to keep me in the White House, but what kind of a palace guard would that really make? I’ve seen that movie; it was called “Three Amigos,” and it was a HUGE flop. Not for me.
To “win” this election, the Democrats used dirty tricks that even I didn’t think of. That fly they planted on Pence’s head at the VP debate? That was brilliant; dirty, but brilliant. And moving the Four Seasons Hotel in Philadelphia next to a sex shop? Another stroke of genius. If I have any money left when the IRS get done with me, I’ll hire the Democrat operatives for sure.
History will acknowledge my huge contributions to this country, even if Anthony Fauci, Melania and 74 million dead voters do not. I did more for the oppressed white suburban housewife than any politician since George Wallace. And this is the thanks I get. To be branded a Loser! You can’t fire me; I quit!
At times like this, I look to my ethical North Star, Dick Nixon. As Dick would have said, you won’t have Donald Trump to kick around anymore! And when “Sleepy Joe” bores you all to tears with his normalcy and predictability, you’ll miss me!
ERIC LICHTBLAU is a two-time Pulitzer Prize–winning journalist and the best-selling author of The Nazis Next Door and Bush’s Law: The Remaking of American Justice. His latest book, Return to the Reich: A Holocaust Refugee’s Secret Mission to Defeat the Nazis, just came out in paperback. He was a Washington reporter for the New York Times for fifteen years and for the Los Angeles Times for fifteen years before that. He has also written during his career for the New Yorker, TIME, the Intercept, and other publications. He has been a frequent guest on NPR, MSNBC, C-SPAN, and other networks, as well as a speaker at many universities and institutions. He lives outside Washington, D.C.