TO BABe, OR NOT TO BABe?: 10 Pros & Cons of Parenthood
By David Comfort
Earth’s human population now stands at 7.9 billion, a 700% jump from a century ago. Short of an asteroid hit, a Covid Black Plague, or everybody going LGBT or Q, the population is projected to reach 11.2 billion by 2100.
Even so, many Boomers are worried about Gens Y and Z having less analog sex, and more interest in post-Roe contraception and porno.
So, the leading global question has become: To BAbe or not to BAbe? There are many strong arguments on both sides.
Procreation evangelists – mother-in-laws, pediatricians, pedos – argue that having a child can be the best way of getting a life if you don’t already have one. Woke birth-controllers, on the other hand, feel they already have more than enough life reversing global warming by cancelling conception culture.
Here are the other top procreation arguments: Kidder activists versus NonKidder.
GENE POOL UPGRADE ARGUMENT
- KIDDER: Anybody who’s smart, sane, and made in God’s own image – or not — must have a child.
- NONKIDDER: That’s what Hitler’s mom told him. Luckily, he ignored her.
SELF-IMPROVEMENT:
- KIDDER: You get a once-in-a-lifetime chance to be the mom or dad your mom or dad never was, or at least give it your best shot.
- NONKIDDER: Or you’ll find out they were right — about everything. In short, you got fucked up entirely on your own.
PERSONAL UPGRADE
- KIDDER: Even if nobody’s ever agreed with you, or even liked you, after downloading your obsolete operating system in its USB fontanel port, your kid will!
- NONKIDDER: Wait till s/he crashes your OS in daycare and starts thinking for him or herself, if for no reason other than to piss you off.
MATURITY & SELFLESSNESS
- KIDDER: After making the awesome discovery you’re not the center of the universe – your kid is – you became a responsible, caring adult.
- NONKIDDER: Sticking life out solo, you never have to grow up yourself. Or at least as little as possible.
BUNDLE OF JOY
- KIDDER: With a kid, you finally find selfless love. Especially if they look and think like you.
- NONKIDDER: I’ve already got that with my dog.
LOVE & TOGETHERNESS
- KIDDER: Having a baby can save your marriage.
- NONKIDDER: More likely, it becomes your biggest Irreconcilable Difference – during the custody battle.
LONGEVITY
- KIDDER: Kids give you biological immortality – at least till Armageddon.
- NONKIDDER: Working mortality without a net, you prefer to pamper yourself like a California Condor or Brazilian Bandicoot.
ASSISTED LIVING
- KIDDER: Your kids will grow up to take care of you.
- NONKIDDER: Or they’ll sue you for back allowances, then leave you in the Medicare night drop-off.
And, finally, the BAbe or not to BAbe? clincher: It’s-an-ugly-job-but-somebody’s-got-to-do-it
- KIDDER: If everybody Just Said No Fucking Way, the human race would be extinct!
- NONKIDDER: So, what’s the bad news?