We’re having a very special party in the Rose Garden. The date isn’t finally set just yet, but we’re reading applications now. Send us a letter telling us what you did in 200 words or less, and the President himself will decide if you qualify for a presidential pardon. We are not accepting capital crimes like murder, mayhem, or any sort of terrorist attacks. Capital of course, has a double meaning. If the penalty for your misdeed is life imprisonment or a death sentence, please do not write to us. If it’s only money, we’ll welcome your submission. The president doesn’t consider financial misdeeds crimes, though people can be imprisoned for them. We consider them examples of creative thinking and will be especially interested in novel examples. The entry fee is 150 dollars, and we must stop at 10,000 applications. If your entry is chosen you will receive an engraved invitation from the White House. The Rose Garden cannot accommodate more than 200 people, so submit your entry tomorrow!
The dress code is exactly what you’d wear to an outdoor summer wedding. Because the president is a teetotaler, the party will begin at 2 p.m. Diet soft drinks; iced tea and coffee will be served with assorted pastries. Only 100 winners seeking pardons will be invited and may bring one adult guest. We ask all applicants to remember that a person can only be pardoned if he or she has been convicted of the offense. If you have not been convicted, you are merely seeking an excuse, not a pardon.
Examples of acceptable entries. Please study them carefully before submitting your letter. Send to mailroom/gov.com
Name (may be a pseudonym)
Address (optional)
Phone number, Email address, Twitter account and recent photo.
Title of your misdeed, e.g. Bank Fraud, Blackmail, Bribery, Investment Scheme, Kickback, Tax Evasion and many more.
INSIDER TRADING
I am writing to protest the classification of Insider Trading as a criminal act. I firmly believe that Insider Trading is the only kind of trading that exists. Eminent financial institutions wouldn’t thrive without it. Neither would financial advisors who list desirable investments for their clients. Where do they get their information? From something they’ve learned or heard. What difference does it make if the information comes from the CFO of a company about to offer an IPO or from a summer intern who got the news while overhearing a phone call? Why is it illegal for a CFO to tell his friends of a great opportunity? Why shouldn’t the summer intern tell his father? This is a ridiculous law and should be repealed.
All so-called Insider Traders deserve to be immediately pardoned, especially if currently in prison. Their fictitious crime is nothing but a natural reaction to a fragment of news.
BLACKMAIL
In the opinion of many notable law professors, blackmail is no more a crime than buying a pair of shoes. The seller has something you want, and it should not be a criminal act to buy whatever you can afford. Secrets can be a commodity like real estate, jewelry, yachts or anything else. If you own valuable secrets, you should be able to sell them after you no longer need or want them. Secrets can be a significant asset in times of need. Sellers should, never threaten the customer or cause any physical harm or property damage. Blackmail is simply a terrible word for commerce, and no one should be forced into prison because he or she has sold a possession. Blackmail should be treated respectfully, like the stock in car showrooms or department stores. A smart person may even create a fund dedicated to it, in case of emergency. Please pardon me. I’m no different from any salesman.
PONZI SCHEME
English is second language, so I am not exactly sure what is Ponzi scheme, but sure I did not do it. I should not be sentenced for starting company to invent miracle method of removing scratches on cars. My company is like franchise. I bottle my invention and sell franchise to entrepreneurs. They buy 200 bottles from me and drive around selling product in parking lots of supermarkets where parking makes always scratches. The happy buyers of product tell friends about how magic formula works and buyers want to be sellers, so I sell them all franchise after they pay for first 200 bottles. They sell quota and I give bonus of 400 bottles for cost of 350 next time. Every buyer makes money with inventor me. I deserve pardon for original idea nothing like Ponzi scheme against law of United States. Invention also helps environment by improving cars for beauty of bumper not scratched. Jail is not fair to inventors.
Applicants may send only one letter, and that letter cannot plagiarize any sample, though it may be inspired by them. Think Health Care Fraud, Education Fraud, Bank Fraud or Insurance Fraud. Think Kickback, Bankruptcy, Tax Evasion; which is no different in any respect from legal tax avoidance, practiced by everyone in the country.
LET’S HEAR FROM YOU! THE DEADLINE FOR ENTRIES IS MIDNIGHT, July 15th.