ANDY
Jeff told me you still had some questions about our TSX 400. I’m the infotainment professor, and I’ll try to answer them all. I’m not a salesman, and I’ll be entirely impartial.
SAM
We had a pleasant scenic ride through the countryside, but the first thing you can fill me on is infotainment. I’m familiar with detainment, entertainment, containment, but infotainment is new to us both.
ANDY
Once I discovered how boring Professor Emeritus became, I volunteered to come here on Wednesdays.
JOAN
What did you teach before you became emeritus?
ANDY
Astrophysics at MIT.
JOAN
You must be a thousand times over-qualified for showing people dashboards.
ANDY
Not really. The technology is surprisingly closer to astrophysics than one might think. You’re about to enter a whole new world of driving.
SAM
Our trade-in is a 2007 convertible.
ANDY
Car years correspond to dog years, so a 2007 qualifies as an antique. Keep it if you have room in the garage.
JOAN
My first question is about keyless entry. We had a keyless button in the convertible, but it burned my thumb on a sunny day when the top was down.
JOAN
(continuing)
I had the key on the fob so I just used it. The TSX 400 doesn’t have a key but I’d have to carry the fob to start the car. What would happen if I dropped the fob?
ANDY
Our new button is vastly improved and remains cool to the touch. No need for the key, just the fob. Many women wear it on a lanyard.
JOAN
It’s not really my idea of jewelry; quite heavy and black.
ANDY
The dealership recommends keeping a rag mop in the car at all times in case the fob is dropped. That lets you sweep under your car.
SAM
I don’t understand the point of keyless entry.
ANDY
It’s supposed to save time, at least 730 minutes a year. Personally, I prefer a key.
SAM
Andy, please tell us about the other great leaps forward.
ANDY
The TSX has some remarkable safety features. When you get too close to an obstacle or to another car, the driver’s seat vibrates to warn you.
JOAN
Does the vibrator know the difference between our garage and a tight space in a parking lot? Will it vibrate then?
ANDY
It’s quite subtle, like a 3-point earthquake that can’t be turned off. Combined with the rear-view camera, it makes the car virtually accident-proof.
SAM
Those rear-view cameras don’t show anything much smaller than another car. You can’t see pets, or children. When I rent a car, I always look in the rear-view mirror despite the camera.
JOAN
Or to spite it. What are these practically invisible icons on the wheel?
ANDY
That’s the way you talk to the robots. Remember not to say please or thank you. They only understand commands. This one is the seat-warmer, and that one allows you to raise or lower the volume of entertainment so you don’t look away from the road. You make phone calls from the wheel and there’s a symbol for a horn too.
SAM
The huge screen in the center of the dashboard distracts me. It’s as big my dad’s first TV, the one we kept in the cellar.
ANDY
It gives you directions and tells everything you need to know, just like your private astrophysicist. I advise drivers to pull over while they’re listening to directions or choosing a program from hundreds of choices. Comedians, sermons and grand opera are all available on the screen. Of course, there are pamphlets in the glove compartment for readers. There’s a 400 page user’s manual in the trunk.
JOAN
My question may sound trivial after that, but why don’t the windshield wipers work for the whole surface? All I saw during our first test drive were dead bugs and dried detergent. I missed street signs in broad daylight.
ANDY
That may have been a design matter. Shall we go on to connections? We’re going to connect your smart phone to your favorites, your pod casts to your I-pad and your I-pad to your infotainment system. Everything is then connected to what used to be Bluetooth.
SAM
Sounds like the song we sang in Scout Camp.
ANDY
The toe bone is connected to the foot bone, the foot bone connected to the ankle bone is connected to the leg bone. That song?
JOAN
Something else just occurred to me. Does that peep sound if you drive on country roads with high hedges and stone walls? Because it sounds as if we have a crate of chickens in the back. We live on a two-lane road and there was peep-peeping all the way during our test drive.
SAM
I just thought of a solution. I have a colleague here on a sabbatical from England, and he wants to sell his American Jaguar before he goes home. The wheel is on the left, and he can’t drive it there. Actually, he hardly drove it here, because he couldn’t feel safe driving on the right.
ANDY
Give him a call!
JOAN
You’ve been incredibly helpful, Andy, and we both appreciate all the time you spent with us today. Heartfelt thanks! Especially for the impartiality.