Score one point for each item you check:
- When you’re stuck in traffic, do you automatically blame
- The State of New Jersey
- Henry Ford
- The asshole in the left lane who keeps trying to cut in front of you
- Jews
- The President of the United States
- When you contemplate the First Family, what do you foresee for their collective future?
- Golden-encased furnishings a la the Palace at Versailles?
- Long walks on moon-streaked, white-sand beaches tended by underpaid dark skinned people?
- A book tour
- Jail
- When you contemplate the First Lady, what are the words or phrases that comes to mind?
- Beautiful
- A brilliant bilingual woman with a degree in architecture
- Plagiarist
- Immigrant
- What the fuck?
- Are you
- White
- Black
- Asian
- Male
- Female
- Both
- Neither
- Latin American
- Jewish
- Muslim
- Android
- D.D.
- A Yankee fan
- When your mind casts back on the many bloopers that have occurred since Trump took office, which sticks in your craw?
- Trump’s anti-factual claim that his inauguration crowds were the biggest in US history.
- Trump’s anti-factual claim that he is in possession of “one of the highest IQ’s ever.”
- Trump’s declaration that “I am the Chosen One.”
- Trump’s claim that “I am the King of Israel.”
- Trump’s tweet urging four United States Congresswomen to “go back where you came from.”
- Trump’s asking a MAGA crowd in Florida how to stop the flow of immigrants, and then making a joke when a man in the crowd shouted, “shoot them.”
- How the fuck can you keep track of all of the terrible shit that has come out of this man’s vile mouth and spewed forth from his insane administration?
- Which do you think are the most pressing problem that has grown boundlessly worse since Trump took office?
- Late night comics are getting way too much airtime.
- The President of the United States does not appear to speak, write, or comprehend Standard English.
- South Louisiana is on the verge of being permanently under water.
- the world has gone to hell in a hand basket.
- heil, Hitler!
- If you were in charge of the future, what scenario or scenarios make your heart leap with glee?
- Federal prison
- Trump’s mansion in Florida is destroyed by a whopper storm.
- Trump’s business dealings—the entire nine yards—are revealed to be a total sham.
- Trump suffers a stroke but can’t get help when he has to make ka-ka because there are no immigrants left willing to do low-paid home-health work.
- Ivanka takes the veil.
- When you read the newspaper or watch the news, do you
- get an ulcer
- get a headache
- have flashbacks to the time a boy you had a crush on in high school started dating one of your best friends
- wonder if you’re doing enough for help immigrants
- barf
- move to Canada
- Are you a
- registered voter
- why vote when things suck no matter who’s in charge?
- Have you ever been to
- Martha’s Vineyard
- on Safari
- Graceland
- to a 12-step meeting
- in jail on a charge of illegal possession of firearms
CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve completed our simple quiz. Just add up your score to find where you stand in the Trump-disordered-trauma spectrum, and where you might seek help
- If you scored between 1 and 7: Congratulations! You are a member of the top one percent within the GOP! Enjoy your massive tax cuts. Perhaps you need a new private jet to complete your collection.
- If you scored between 7 and 22: Not bad at all! Please do enjoy hunting deer so that you can stuff and mount their heads on your wall as decoration.
- If you scored between 22 and 30: Maalox anyone?
- If your scored between 30 and 40: Please stop believing that displaying yard signs that say things like “Hate Has No Home Here” and bumper stickers that say “coexist” or “Facts Matter” makes a shred of difference, and find a way to go door to door registering voters
- If your score is over 40: You’re in deep, mister. I feel sorry for you. How can you even sleep while half the country is more worried about the conclusion to “Orange is the New Black” than what’s happening to real-life people in real-life life? No wonder you have nightmares. You’re an extreme case, and for extreme cases, there’s only one cure: binge watch Randy Rainbow.