Moderator: Welcome back ladies and gentleman to the Republican presidential candidates debate. During the commercial break, the candidates onstage had a few moments to regroup and prepare themselves for this next segment we call, “In Your Own Words.” Each candidate will have the opportunity to respond to a recent statement he or she has made or written. Mr. Trump, let’s start with you.
Donald Trump: Why not.
Moderator: In your opening statement tonight, you said, “Carly Fiorina? I wouldn’t f@%k her with Mike Huckabee’s d#@k.” Can you see how a remark like that could be considered offensive?
Trump: By who?
Moderator: Well, for starters, by Ms. Fiorina and Mr. Huckabee.
Trump: Why?
Moderator: Because it uses vulgarities and sexual slurs to denigrate both candidates.
Trump: Are you serious? I mean, come on, just take a look at those two and tell me you weren’t thinking the exact same thing.
Moderator: No, I wasn’t, and I don’t think anyone in America was.
Ted Cruz: (interrupting) This is outrageous!
Moderator: It is, Senator Cruz, but you’ll have to wait for your turn to speak.
Ted Cruz: It’s outrageous that the mainstream liberal media would pretend to know what anyone in America actually thinks. Knowing real Americans as I do, I have no doubt they would be offended by you, and the imposition of your left-wing-PC thought control on their God-given freedom of speech.
(Audience applause drowns out the moderator’s rebuttal.)
Moderator: Dr. Carson.
Ben Carson: Mmmm.
Moderator: In your opening statement, you said, “I was a badass motherf@#%er you never would have wanted to mess with. I stole the scissors that pussy Mitt Romney used to cut off that hippie’s hair in prep school and jammed it into my best friend’s neck and left it in to hang his coat on that I ripped off his trembling body. It was only after I slit my mother’s throat and took notice of her blood pooling on the kitchen floor that I became interested in the body as something other than a target for my ferocious, depraved violence, and I began to think about pursuing a career in medicine.” Is that really the image you want the voters to have of you?
Ted Cruz: A ha! Again, you and the Marxist media cabal are prescribing moral absolutes to everyday voters that are nothing but items in your transparent communist agenda!
Moderator: (shouting over the audience applause) Dr. Carson, do you wish to explain your earlier remarks?
Carson: I think “earlier” is the key word here. It’s impossible to know if something brought up from your past is really what happened or not.
Moderator: But Dr. Carson, you made those remarks fifteen minutes ago.
Carson: How far back is the gotcha media going to go? Are you going to dig up my dead pre-school teacher and ask her if I sat with my hands folded neatly in my lap, or if I busted her upside the head with a tire iron? I mean, how far is fair?
(Audience applause drowns out the moderator’s rebuttal.)
Mike Huckabee: (interrupting) I’d like to address Donald Trump’s comment about my d@#k.
Moderator: If you’ll please wait your turn, Governor Huckabee.
Huckabee: Sure, but it is my d@#k.
Moderator: In due time, governor. Governor Bush?
Jeb Bush: Yes, I do!
Moderator: I haven’t asked the question yet, governor.
Bush: I stand by everything I’ve ever said, written, emailed, texted, Tweeted, Facebooked, said under my breath, thought or dreamed when I was asleep.
Moderator: Then, you stand by the comment you made in your opening statement: “I would rather have my colon probed than spend another minute debasing myself by having to compete against the likes of Mike Huckabee’s d@#k.”
Huckabee: (interrupting) You see, the others are still saying it. How come I’m not allowed to speak?
Moderator: Governor Bush, would you please respond to your statement?
Bush: I think we all understand the seriousness of colon cancer in men over the age of 50. I fully support the medical community’s recommendation for regular colonoscopies.
Moderator: But do you stand by your earlier comment?
Bush: Absolutely! Yes! I’m going to take a pass on this one.
Moderator: Take a pass?
Cruz: (interrupting) You heard what he said, Trotsky. He’s going to take a pass. Do I need to remind you of the pass your fellow travelers gave to Lincoln Chafee when he choked and started yammering about when his father died, and he just got appointed to the Senate, and he didn’t know what the word “vote” meant?
Moderator: (shouting over the audience applause) Senator Cruz, I don’t think it’s any coincidence that Governor Chafee withdrew from the race immediately after that explanation. His comment was scrutinized by the media and the public.
Cruz: My Cuban-immigrant father would have wiped the floor with Lincoln Chafee’s father, or Jeb Bush’s father, or Rand Paul’s father, or anybody else’s father!
Carson: He wouldn’t have wiped the floor with me. I would have busted his kneecaps with a pipe and whipped him until he cried for mercy.
Moderator: Now, Governor Huckabee, we’ve come to you. Thank you for your patience. Would you like to respond to Mr. Trump’s comment?
Huckabee: Yes, finally. What Mr. Trump said should in no way be misunderstood as anything other than what he really meant, what we all really understand is going on in this election, the most important presidential election of our lifetimes. Let me just make clear to the American people, especially the women voters watching tonight, that it would be an honor and a pleasure to f@%k Carly Fiorina with my d#@k. Only then will we as a people be able to come together and carry on the rights to bear arms and worship Christ our Founding Fathers so firmly established in the Constitution. I think I speak for all concerned Americans when I say, To heck with the mainstream liberal media and their gotcha questions. Let us speak our minds about the issues that matter, but only in English!
Jon Reiner is the James Beard Award-winning author of the memoir The Man Who Couldn’t Eat and the director of the award-winning documentary film Tree Man. His work has appeared in Esquire, The Atlantic, The New York Times, The Daily Beast, The Huffington Post, been nominated for a National Magazine Award and recorded for NPR.