CROSSTALK: A TGIF Passion Play
by David Comfort
TIME
33 AD. Good Friday, dawn.
CHARACTERS:
JESUS: Messiah
PHIL: Good Thief
PETE: Unrepentant Thief
SCENE
Golgotha, overlooking Gaza and the West Bank.
Three crosses: Jesus, center, in loincloth. Phil, right, in boxers. Pete, left, in briefs.
Below: CENTURIONS throw dice for their hoodies and Birkenstocks.
Breaking ice, Thieves introduce themselves to God’s son.
PHIL: Hey, man. I’m Phil. Sorry I can’t shake your hand.
PETE: Pete here, bro. [reading name tag above crown of thorns] …INRI?
JESUS [eyes heavenward]: “The words are yours.”[1]
PHIL: What are you up for, Inri?
PETE [soto, to PHIL]: Nails, headgear — gotta be worse than us. Thank God we get the twist-ties and footrests!
Off stage: Marys, lunatics, lepers wail Jesus’s name.
PHIL (double-taking): Holy Smokes… of Nazareth, son of Joe? You guys remodeled my mom’s place!
PETE: I dated your sister!
JESUS [to a passing cloud]: “How much longer must I endure them?”[2]
Off stage, COCK crows three times. DISCIPLES flee.
PETE: Jeez. So much for a little help from your friends.
PHIL: Don’t feel like the lone ranger, bro.
JESUS (to the crowd below): “Behold, the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!”[3]
PETE [morosely]: Hope springs eternal.
PHIL [to JESUS]: Forgive him, he’s Orthodox.
JESUS [to PHIL, confidentially]: “Today you shall be with me in Paradise.”[4]
CENTURIONS [to JESUS]: If you’re God’s son, prove it – save yourself!
The savior stubbornly remains aloft.
PETE: Do what you got to do, dude. Suicide by Roman, whatever. But why not let us off?
PHIL: We’ll fence the Grail, tithe to the United Jewish Appeal.
CENTURIONS peacock around the crosses in Jesus’s tee and hoodie.
JESUS [to incoming whirlwind]: “Forgive them, Lord, for they know not what they do.”[5]
PETE: WTF, man!
CENTURIONS send up the sponge. JESUS recoils.
PETE & PHIL [to CENTURIONS]: He’s AA – on the Twelve Steps.
Thieves suck the sponge dry. Rehydrated, pushing their luck with the pagans:
PETE & PHIL: Smokes?
CENTURIONS pole up a Camel.
As Thieves light up, MOSQUITOES swarm Jesus’ stigmata.
PETE: Christians! [to JESUS] Somebody loves you after all.
JESUS: “Get thee behind me, Satan!”[6]
Suddenly struck by a Charley horse, Pete goes into spasms on the lumber.
PHIL [to PETE]: Shake it off, snowflake — No pain, no gain!
JESUS [deliriously muttering parable excerpts]: Two debtors… Ten virgins… Good Samar…
PETE: Enough of the fairy tales, Jack. The jig’s up – nobody’s Lazarus here!
Five pints low from mosquitoes, Jesus swoons.
PETE & PHIL [trying to rouse him]: Hava nagila! Uru aḥim be-lev sameaḥ, Be-lev sameaḥ. Hava nagila!
Unmoved by Pharisee folksongs, the Almighty’s son doesn’t stir.
PETE [to JESUS]: Nobody’s buying it, man!
Jesus’ head falls on his breast.
PHIL: Stay with us, bro!
PETE [breaking into a shepherd call, in Aramaic]: Yodel-aiy hewho! Yodel-aiy heeWHOOO!
JESUS [throwing his head to the sky]: “’Lord, why hast thou forsaken me?’”[7]
Drawing a final breath, he exhales explosively.
PHIL: God bless you!
PETE: Gazuntite!
Black clouds roil in from the horizon.
Sky rips open above the crosses. Angels, saints, and flaming steeds fly hither and thither.
Thunder crashes, lightning flashes…
BLACK OUT…
Lights come up, revealing:
TWO EMPTY CROSSES.
Still tied into his, the Unrepentant Thief eyeballs them, slack-jawed.
PETE: My bad! [crying to Heaven] Jesus H — Yodel-aiy heeWHOOO!
CURTAIN
[1] Matthew 27:11
[2] Matthew 17:17
[3] Matthew 4:17
[4] Luke 23:43
[5] Luke 23:34
[6] Matthew 16:23
[7] Mark 15:24