by Mollie Fermaglich
Dear God,
It’s me. Nancy. Pelosi. I am in church right now, on my knees, in a pew reserved for luminaries. Like me. Nancy. I’m not a fan of kneeling because, despite what they say, even the very top-of-the-line Wolford pantyhose can catch a snag. And, with your feet tucked behind you, well it puts cracks in the toe box of my Jimmy Choos.
I want you to know that, as the most powerful woman in U.S. politics, I’m a modest woman and don’t think I am any more important or worthy than any other Christian and…
Yes you do.
I think…I heard…I heard a voice. Are You there, God? It’s me, Nancy…
I heard you the first time. Nancy who? Do I know you? The name sounds almost familiar… Nancy Sinatra?– big fan of “These Boots Were Made for Walking.” Nancy Reagan? Nancy Drew? Kerrigan?
Cold. Very cold – keep going…
Could you be…? I bet you’re that darling little Nancy from the adorable cartoon from the 1930s…
Oh, God – teehee. That was way before my time!
Now, Nancy – I know your progressive friends and colleagues pretend to believe you, even when you tell them you’re a very religious Catholic. If you really want people to believe you, you’ll have to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Either that, or find a better plastic surgeon.
Don’t be silly, God. How can I get a better plastic surgeon when I don’t have one to begin with? Any suggestions? Okay. I lied. I use those guys on “Botched.” Have you seen it on Bravo?
No. Thank God.
What was that? Did You say something? I thought I heard something. Probably some wino in the confessional. I wonder if he’s out of syringes because we have plenty for free. Well, not in my Pacific Heights neighborhood, but I can get him all he needs from the Tenderloin and the Mission District. After all, God – my faith has taught me to be charitable.
You can’t see me, Nancy, but I’m rolling my eyes.
I can’t see You, but I can hear You because I just got a very expensive teeny-tiny hearing aid. Not that I need it, but, as You know, we very hardworking Congress people get lots of free perks, like using US military planes to take vacations in Italy with our whole family. And, we weren’t forced to take that dreadful Obamacare, (which we didn’t know — okay, we did know but Jonathan Gruber, who designed the whole plan, said American voters were too dumb to figure it out before it was too late). What do you suppose they do – the American voters – when they lose their hearing…? Well, nothing wrong with one of those old-fashioned air trumpets. Remember them?
Does that make you feel good, Nancy?
Well, not that tingly feeling, like when you book a suite on the Queen Mary II, and you’re in first class and lots of other – lots of other people aren’t.
I’m pretending I didn’t hear that. Though I did. Are you there, Nancy? It’s me. God.
I’m sorry but I’m trying to get an appointment with my colorist and the only openings she has are days I have to be in D.C. We’re trying to come up with another scheme to impeach Trump. Nadler thinks Trump could be the one who stole those paintings from the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum in Boston. Schiff said someone stole the cookies from the cookie jar, and he thinks it’s Trump, (but to be perfectly honest, it might have been Nadler, especially if they were Mallomars). I think we should accuse Trump of stealing Le Coeur de la Mer, that huge blue diamond necklace that Cal Hockley gave Rose on the Titanic…
Nancy – it was a movie. Titanic was a movie and that necklace was something James Cameron made up. Besides, Rose found it in her coat pocket after The Carpathian rescued the survivors. So, it’s hers.
My engagement ring is almost that big. But it’s a yellow diamond solitaire because between you and me, the whole heart-shaped thing is so not fashion-forward.
Why don’t you sell it and give the proceeds to poor?
I can’t do that. It’s too sentimental. But I can do other things. Like a couple of years ago during Not-My-President’s State of the Union address, I took my big skinny, bony hands and clapped into his ears…
You looked like a seal.
…and last year, I just tore up his State of the Union address.
Nancy, that was very immature, not to mention offensive to half of the country. There are people who like Trump.
You exaggerate, God. More than half the country loved my antics. Remember, Hillary Clinton won the popular vote…
“Popular” is not an adjective I’d use in regards to Hillary Clinton, that old goat. Oh – wait – I didn’t say that – what if she ‘suicides’ me now? It’s a good thing no one can see me. As God, it’s easier for me to hide from the Clintons.
I’ll tell you this, God — as Speaker of the House, I won’t let any bills pass unless the Senate agrees to bring in a minimum of 20,000 busloads of those undocumented new citizens. How else will they know that, in exchange for illegally crossing our borders, they can hear Joe Biden begging for their votes. And telling that Corn Pop story again and again. It never gets old. Come on, man! All of those cute little brown and black Guatamalnicks and Honduristas. They deserve to live here. Come on, man!
Where? Where here do they deserve to live?
Well, certainly not in Pacific Heights, CA, or Bethesda, MD, because they might feel very uncomfortable and very poor when they see that those of us who work for the Federal Government, live in homes with more bathrooms than bedrooms. I’m sure that the accommodations we provide for them – lovely, strong, corrugated cardboard huts – will make them feel right at home.
And, America is such a vast country and there are many places that I am sure would love to add these new – air quote – almost sort of semi-legal-kind-of-almost citizens –close air quote – to their communities. Just not in my community because – um – we’re very cramped in Pacific Heights– we billionaires are very – our houses are almost squished together… I think, since the hobos are mostly nodding out, our new citizens will have the peace and quiet they deserve. Ideally though, they could use them out in some of those square states…
Square states, Nancy?
Yes, God – the fly-over squares. You should know – You created them – the ones where all the deplorables live. Those states with mountains and horses, plains and valleys, VFWs, honkey-tonks and deplorables.
That’s not nice, Nancy. That could be why Hillary lost the election. I think. Of course it could be any number of things even though she had all those dead people in California voting for her. Allegedly. She hates those ‘deplorables,’ even more because she holds them responsible for the loss. She also blames ageism, sexism, misogyny, rapist-husband, and that leech-of-a-daughter. Personally, I think it was that cackling laugh, the pantsuits and helmet hair, of course, and Donald Trump, Donald Sutherland, Donald Duck and Old McDonald.
I blame the deplorables because they are very dumb, many are missing their eyeteeth, and they cling to their guns and their religion…
You’re treading on very thin ice, Nancy. You call yourself a religious woman, a devout Catholic and you have armed security guards, not to mention the right to carry a concealed weapon, so perhaps you’re one of those deplorables. Or hypocritical progressive–pretty much one and the same.
No, no – I’m very cosmopolitan. They can settle in Nebraska or Idaho. Utah. Wyoming. Places where there aren’t many people. And the people you can find are white. Time to mix things up – get some color to blend in with the white. And think of what good there is to integrating them – the locals will now have local taquerias, gardeners and pool boys galore, and real Chinese food like we have in San Francisco.
You do realize that you aided and abetted with this Corona Virus when slap-bam, you took to television as deaths from Covid19 were rising, to tell people to come to Chinatown, come have a meal, take a walk…
I didn’t want people blaming the Chinese people – that horrible Not-My-President calling it the Chinese Virus.
No, he said the virus came from China. From Chi-na. Where did the virus first appear, Nancy?
Well, Whoo-hoo,China, but…
Wu Han.
Whatever…
No one was blaming the Chinese people, Nancy. They were upset with the Chinese government. Remember The Spanish Flu? You just might have been there and since have been pickled and preserved what with all of that Botox and Juvaderm, Restylane, Perlane, Belotero Balance, Elevess, and Prevelle Silk you shoot into your face. In fact, I’ve always wondered why you pay so much attention to your skin and hair, but not your teeth. You’re certainly wealthy enough to pay for dental implants for you, your family and the population of Wu Han. Yet you insist on those dentures and keep going with the generic PoliGrip. Treat yourself. Like you always do.
But I digress…
The Spanish Flu has been called the Spanish Flu for over 100 years, because that’s where it started. No one blames the Spanish people.
You’re right. We should rile the Spanish people up. It will give them something to get upset about and then they’ll vote for Joe Biden.
And no one complained about the Ebola Virus but it was named after a river in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, because that’s where it began.
I’m making a mental note, God. We must change those names – instead of Spanish Plague, how about the Ricky Ricardo Plague? That way, we only insult one dead Cuban, instead of the entire Spanish population, who are, by and large, in our pocket. First thing on my agenda when the House reconvenes…
Hahaha…
We must change the name of Ebola Virus to… how about Crayola Virus? That way, it’s inclusive of every race!
Nancy — I created the world. And when I created man…
And women. And transgender women. Agender, Bigender, Cis, Cisgender, Gender Fluid, Genderqueer, Intersex, Neutoris, Pangender, Gender Variant, Transmasculine, Two-Spirit, Non-Binary…
Stop! Stop already! You’re giving me a headache! Yes, everyone!
You can get headaches? Somehow, that doesn’t seem right. Excedrin Migraine works wonders for me. I can’t believe God gets headaches. How about Strep Throat? Acid Reflux? Pink eye..?”
You have great tactical diversionary skills in the House of Representatives. For example, instead of saying that you wouldn’t be returning to Washington to tackle Covid19, you bragged about how much gourmet ice cream you’d stacked up on in your $24,000 refrigerator. I saw the video – you were gloating, showing the world your $12-a-pint Jeni’s Brown Butter Almond Brickle. I bet, somewhere hidden in your house, perhaps a small fridge in the wine cellar, there’s several dozens of servings of Serendipity 3 Frrrozen Haute Chocolate Ice cream sundaes. $25 grand per. What does that say to your constituents and the American people?
Work hard. And pray. Pray to You.
Not the right answer, Nancy.
Well, God, I’m afraid we’ll have to agree to disagree. You say potato and I say potahhhto. With truffle shavings. Mmmm – I’ll have Cook prepare them for us tonight. Oh, Maria-Conchita…!
Yes, Ms. Nancy?
Did we run out of truffles?
I will check, Miss Nancy…
And we ordered special ice cream just for you.
Thank you, Miss Nancy…
If I know you, Nancy, it’ll be Sofrito-n-Chili Flakes, or Avocado-Avocado Chip.
Don’t be silly, God! It’s the store-brand Neopolitan. And, Maria-Conchita, keep your hands off the Dove and Magnum bars!.
Yes, Miss Nancy. .
Sorry, God. I don’t like to unnecessarily threaten anyone or abuse my vast powers, but we’re talking artisan ice cream – $12 a pint. And there is a pandemic, you know. 57 pints and it’s a pandemic.
Sharing would be the Christian thing to do, Nancy.
I am a Christian, a good Christian, God. I just don’t want Maria-Conchita to get fat, like that He’s-Not-My-President.
But he is your president.
Is not.
Is so!
Is not!
Is too!
Not! Not! Not! Not! Not! Not!
What are you, five?
You know what Melania Trump’s favorite ice cream is? Ben and Jerry’s. Chubby Hubby. Hahahaha…
Are you getting enough sleep, Nancy? You sound a little kooky, no?
Pardon me, God, but that sounds very Jewish…
You shouldn’t have a problem with that – you’re buds with Nadler and Schiff and Schumer…
Business acquaintances, not friends, God. Have you ever tasted their kosher wine? Is “gefilte” a real fish? And whenever I have to attend one of their parties, why is there a chopped liver mold with carrot-eyes staring up at me?
You can’t be a religious and charitable Catholic with such hate in your heart.
Who told you that – the Tooth Fairy? Sorry, God. That was rather hostile. But what do I say, what do I do if that Not-My-President wins again?
You could threaten, like Alec Baldwin and Rosie O’Donnell and that Debra Messing, to move to Canada. Of course, they didn’t move anywhere. And here’s a question for you – they have free will, so I often wonder why they always choose Canada, a predominantly white country, instead of Mexico, where so many brown and black people live. Not to mention the frozen margaritas and warm weather…
Debra! It’s Debra Messing! She’s a wonderful actress –
She’s terrible AF.
I hate to argue with God, but she’s brilliant! Did you see the episode where Will and Grace invite the same man over for dinner and they can’t figure out if he’s gay or straight and …You can’t hate her– after all, you create everything. You must have created Will and Grace.
Have you seen a ‘Created By’ credit with my name on it? No residuals, no nothing. Listen, Nancy – I gave human beings free will. Sometimes they get it right, like Saul Bellow and Philip Roth, and sometimes it’s Hunter Biden and Stephen Colbert. What’s a God to do?
So, as much as I’m enjoying this back-and-forth, my time is rather limited. And valuable. There are lepers on half the sub-continent of India, DeBlasio’s wife allegedly can’t account for $9,999,900 of the billion he gave her for her “mental health initiative” (I’ll begin my investigation in the Grand Cayman Islands). Joe Biden’s wife keeps praying to me that he stops asking her where the Victrola is or if there’s ice box cake in the ice box. Justin Trudeau has asked for his sins to be forgiven and I don’t know where to start.
India? I was forced to go there on government business recently. Why couldn’t they send Congressman Dan Crenshaw, or that wobble-neck McConnell? Anyway, the Lodi airport in downtown New Delhi. Have you been?
I’ve been everywhere, Nancy. I’m God. Though I’ll admit, at all costs, I avoid the Golden Globes like the… well, the Plague. Not the Chinese or the Spanish – some other all-inclusive plague.
Anyway, those little Indian beggars hit you up for money the second you get off the plane. They think we’re slot machines at McCarran Airport, only with arms and legs.
Do you hear yourself? Your problem is too much privilege – remember, the meek will inherit the earth.
Yes, but my children will inherit my vast estate, including prime real estate, oodles of cash, and that sub-zero refrigerator…
Boasting is not God-like.
I’m not boasting. I’m humble bragging.
Now, Nancy…
Okay, okay. But I’m very stressed. I have troubles too. I face problems, dilemmas, confusion every day. For example, I represent the 12th district here in beautiful (except for the syringes and those no-walls, no ceiling Porta-Potties) in San Francisco. I first represented the 5th district, and then the 8th district and now the 12th district. It’s so unsettling because I wonder all the time if my career will be like one of those mathematical sequence problems, like there’s three numbers between the 5th and the 8th, then four numbers between 8th and 12th. So, according to the pattern, I’ll be running things in the 17th district before you know it. And I’m trying to figure out what I’m going to do to embarrass that Not-My-President president at the next State of the Union address, if he wins, God forbid…
Ahem…
So far, I’ve narrowed it down to playing Fortnite while he’s speaking, or making rabbit ears and mouthing “blah, blah, blah” behind that orange head of his.
How about just accepting the facts, whatever they are. If Biden wins, will that make you happy?
Well, we’ll have to help him with his memory. And his multiplication tables. And if he picks someone as batty as he is, they’ll both be removed and You do know who’s next in line for the Presidency.
If that’s what you want, why don’t you run?
Are you kidding? Most people hate me. I could never win the popular vote or the electoral college. But, if Batty Joe has to step down and – let’s just say – he chooses Adele for VP…
Adele? As in Adele-Someone-Like-You Adele???
She’s very popular with the young ones. And she’s thin now. Joe promised to pick a woman as running mate and…
She’s a musical super-star. Why in the world would she want to be…?
That’s the whole point. We don’t tell her she’s running for VP. We hire her to entertain a huge crowd on Inauguration Day. Biden will probably wind up thinking he’s at the Sundance Film Festival on Inauguration Day, or in Disney World, on his favorite ride, Dumbo the Flying Elephant.
Well, if the shoe fits…
So Adele takes the stage, and sings “Rolling With the Sheep…”
That’s “in the Deep. Rolling in the Deep.” Jeez…
Whatever. And then, suddenly Chuck Schumer jumps up, in his Kente cloth serape, because, after all, we’re with the black people, and he’s in New York, with lots of them and…
That was horrible. You all looked ridiculous. Here’s just one African woman speaking out about it, and most of America was equally disgusted, Nancy. And I quote —
“There is more Kente fabric in this picture than at a Ghanaian traditional wedding. The DC African-fabric shop is probably now sold out in order to meet the demand of this ridiculous tokenism by Democrat politicians…”
It’s like that Seinfeld episode, when George is stuffing his face with seafood and his colleague says, “The ocean called – they want their shrimp back.” Gee. I really miss that show…
We almost got cancelled that day and then Chuck told the media those were his tallit – you know, those blue-and-white, fringey capes those Chosen People wear. By the way, God, why are the Jews your – rolling-my-eyes – Your Chosen ones? I find it hard to believe that people named Sheldon and Irv and …
Let’s not go there, Nancy.
Back to the election. So Sleepy Joe will be traipsing around Epcot Center, thinking he’s in Norway or Paris, probably buying one of those little metal Eiffel Tower souvenirs, and Adele will realize Biden tricked her into being VP… She’ll run like the wind from D.C., the Dems will finally admit that they’ve always known Biden was as mad as a hatter, Adele will re-join her world-wide, sold-out tour and…
Oh, this is diabolical. Even for you.
My oh my – the country will need a leader, someone with great progressive ideas, or, if the moderates win the House, I can be moderate just like that! I think I’d make a great president!
Nancy, you’re 80 years old and you’ve opened your mouth enough these past four years – people may fear you but, pretty much, nobody really likes you. They’re calling San Francisco Watts 2.0 and…
But not Pacific Heights?
Not Pacific Heights. Oh, Nancy – will you ever learn?
Though I don’t think we can call it “The White House…”
Unless the Republicans take back all of Congress.
I’m praying to you, God – don’t let that happen! But I’m flexible. No! If those old Republicans, win – I’ll – I’ll have to move to that new six-block town, Chaz.
No electricity, no bathrooms, no food.
Then I can’t bring my fabulous, huge sub-zero fridge with me?
Maybe as a closet.
I’ll win. I’ve been in the House of Representatives for over 30 years and haven’t really done anything. But I will, if I’m elected President… I’m not sure what, but I can accomplish something. I know! I’ll build one of those safe playgrounds on the _____ Lawn. You know – with those soft interlocking tiles so you can’t scrape your knees, equipment with rounded edges so you can’t bump your head, those black bucket swings, so you can’t go flying off, and…
There is a hell, Nancy. Fire and brimstone. It’s not hot like Turks and Caicos. It’s hotter than the brush fires that almost destroyed California and, no fire fighters.
Fine dining? Two parking spaces? Uber, perhaps?
Sorry…
I’ll repent – that’s it – I’ll repent. Starting tomorrow, I’ll give Maria-Conchita my private ice cream. As many pints as she wants. I’ll stop calling Melania, “that cheap whore from whatever Eastern European Slavic country she comes from – I think it’s Coleslawastan.” I’ll even stop pretending I like poor people because – well – I’ve always found them – you know – kind of icky. How’s that, God? Out go the dentures, in come the dental implants! You see? I’m on the right track. I realize it may take me some time to change my ways, but I am determined! God? Hello? Hello? What’s going on? And don’t tell me that you just a text because Are you there, God? Did you get another call? The oven time go off? Your casserole ready? Popcorn kernel stuck between your teeth? I hate when that happens. I’ll hold…I’m holding…Hello? Are you there, God? It’s me. Nancy.