By Danny Neary
As a devout conservative, I believe very strongly that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is wrong about the facts and would definitely like me if she gave me a chance. Ocasio-Cortez has been making headlines just about every day since she became the youngest woman ever elected to Congress (and less receptive of my offers to get together, talk over the issues, have a few mimosas, and see where things go). She has amassed a huge legion of online fans who love her for her radical policies, her Twitter clapbacks, and her amazing skin, that I can only imagine is very smooth. This online following seems to completely disregard the fact that her policies would never work, would crush the economy, and that if she just debated me I would change her mind and we’d buy a nice cottage in Vermont together.
I know what you’re thinking, oh another old white man ranting on about the young progressives, oh another old white man asking his son to help him find AOC’s Snapchat for legitimate research purposes, but what the left doesn’t understand is that I am actually a great guy who’s been very lonely since my second wife left. Sure, AOC and I disagree fundamentally now but if she could only see that we’re not so different and that deep down we both just want to be loved, I’m sure soon she would agree with all of my opinions about the beauty of the free market and May-December relationships. So please AOC stop filling your head with silly thoughts about Medicare for all, taxing the rich, and helping the poor. And instead come have a drink with me in my penthouse. I’m sure if you do you’ll find that soon you won’t even care about all those crazy ideas, you’ll just care about bringing me my gazpacho before I get crabby.