By Colin Hinckley
Greetings and welcome, newest team member! We here at Amazon are deliriously excited for you to join our growing family. We’re sure you’re itching to get started bringing smiles to your community, but first we need to give you a quick crash course in one of the unique aspects of working here at Amazon Warehouse #351.
You may have heard some rumours about a mysterious beast stalking the corridors of our state-of-the-art warehouse. This is not true! There is nothing mysterious about our resident minotaur; we know exactly who he is, where he came from, and how much flesh he needs to stay satiated! We want to stress to you that we have full control of the situation and, despite what you might hear from fellow team members, your protection and safety is our top priority. You have nothing to worry about, as long as you follow these simple rules.
Rule #1: You must not urinate or defecate anywhere within the warehouse grounds. There’s been quite a few news stories lately from less than reputable sources claiming that we do not let our team members use the facilities while on shift in order to meet efficiency quotas. Nothing could be further from the truth! We do not let our team members use the facilities while on shift because the minotaur is attracted to the scent of human waste. But that isn’t eye-catching enough for the New York Times, is it? No, many in the mainstream media would be loath to print a story that debunks the myth that Amazon doesn’t care about its team members. We care very much! Our bathroom ban is for your safety. Wouldn’t you rather hold it until you get home than be disemboweled by an unholy abomination, spawned from the unspeakable acts of its creator? We think so, too.
Rule #2: Discussion of the minotaur’s parentage is off limits.
We know, we know. It’s such an interesting topic! How did this mythic creature come to be, and how could a loving god permit its existence? Well, unfortunately, that information is highly classified, and any discussion of the creature’s provenance will be treated as conspiracy to divulge trade secrets, and you will be prosecuted! If, for example, you speculate that the minotaur is the offspring of our fearless leader Jeffrey Bezos and a genetically modified bull created to look like Salma Hayek, you’ll be looking at a 3-5 year prison sentence, plus a revocation of your Prime membership. Nobody wants that!
Rule #3: If you come across a trail of red thread, report it to your floor manager immediately.
We know what you’re thinking: a high quality Amazon product, perhaps an Amazon Essentials red sweater or blanket, has been caught in the wheel of a cart or forklift and is unraveling! Or, if you’re an English major and can pick up on context clues, you might think a fellow team member has left a trail of thread to retrace their exit out of the warehouse. Both of these assumptions are incorrect. Unfortunately, the minotaur has become more self-aware than we would have liked, and is using trails of red thread to lure team members into his gaping maw. We have to admit, it’s quite clever! But again, we care deeply about our team members, and we would all be disappointed to learn you fell for such a basic ruse. Moreover, it should be noted that escape from Amazon Warehouse #351 is quite impossible, so don’t even try!
Rule #4: If one of your fellow team members is devoured, you are not permitted to mourn, panic, or leave your post.
It’s always difficult when a member of your family is consumed by a soulless abomination; believe us, we know! The screams of pain and the wet slurping of flesh being devoured can be rather unpleasant, and less than conducive to a productive work environment. But—and we’re a little surprised this needs to be written down!—the bloody consumption of a fellow employee by the minotaur does not constitute an emergency, and is therefore not an excuse to leave your post! The minotaur never eats more than one person at a time so, in fact, you are actually safest when the minotaur is feeding! So if you feel compelled to leave during the minotaur’s feast, take heart and remember that you are quite safe, and that a custodial engineer will be along shortly to clean up the remains. If you are concerned about the well-being of that eviscerated team member’s family, don’t be! All employees are entitled to a posthumous bonus of $500 that is sent directly to the next of kin. See? We care for our own here at Amazon. We certainly don’t have to give anyone that money, and believe us, those payouts add up quick!
Rule #5: If the minotaur catches your scent, submit.
If the unthinkable happens, and through your own carelessness the minotaur picks up your scent, the best—and only permitted—action is to submit to the beast’s will and allow yourself to be consumed. We’ve found that this is the best course of action for all involved. We understand that you might be skeptical, so here’s a quick rundown of why submission before an unholy atrocity of nature is the best course of action not just for you, but for everyone: first, your quick demise cuts down on panic and, by extension, loss of productivity among fellow team members. That one’s a no-brainer! Second, a quick death is a clean death; that’s pretty intuitive as well, isn’t it? Why resist when death is inevitable? And believe us, if the minotaur catches your scent, he will hunt you until he is sated. Third, the minotaur does need flesh to feast upon, and after all, why shouldn’t it be you? Is there something special about you that should exempt you from the thoughtless slaughter of God’s mistake? If you can think of something, by all means, run it past your floor manager! But in all likelihood, you are just as disposable as everyone else in Amazon Warehouse #351.
That about wraps it up for this guide. We hope that this has been informative, and when in doubt remember this simple rule: the minotaur is both god and devil, and resistance to its will is an act of abhorrent blasphemy. Good luck!