By Dan Geddes
4 September 2012
WASHINGTON—President Obama today signed an Executive Order abolishing Labor Day as an “outmoded 19th century relic.”
Labor Day was originally declared a national holiday by Congress because of the intense pressure caused by the Pullman Strike of 1894, which ended only days before the holiday was declared.
“Since the American labor force is now far too fattened-up and complacent to even dream of conducting a General Strike ever again, we feel confident that Labor Day can finally be terminated without any negative consequences for the capitalist class,” announced White House spokesperson Jeremy Peck.
“Most Americans don’t even know what a General Strike is anymore. We’ve done a great job.”
A survey of 1,000 Americans asking “What is a General Strike?” proved Peck correct. 54% thought a general strike was a “drone attack on evil-doers,” 27% thought it was a bowling term, and only 12% knew its correct labor-related meaning. 7% had no idea what it meant.
“Since organized labor has finally been successfully crushed, we find it hypocritical and counter-productive even as propaganda to continue the pretence that organized labor, or labor itself, is actually valued or appreciated in the United States of the 21st century. Capital is clearly more important than labor, as wise economists have long recognized.”
This change will only take effect in 2015, “so that those who might consider protesting will shrug it off as a problem for the distant future and resume their channel-surfing or web-surfing,” continued spokesperson Peck. “So our challenge to the American people is: ‘What are you going to do about it?’”
In its place, starting in 2015, the first Monday in September will be declared “Capitalist Overlord Day.” The day will be set aside to honor capitalist overlords, some of whom make more money in one hour than common workers make in entire year. Only people with an annual income of at least $700,000 will be granted the day off. Thus, even the President of the United States, who earns only around $500,000 per year, will have to work that day.
“Why should we as a society continue to honor people who have to work an entire year for what other, more talented people can earn in a single hour?” explained spokesperson Peck. “It doesn’t make any sense and it’s entirely hypocritical. Labor Day is now as obsolete as labor unions themselves. This reform is long overdue.”
Capitalist Overlord Day will also mark the official start to the Christmas season, so as to boost retail sales.
Due to an anticipated decline in the consumption of hot dogs—long a Labor Day staple—the Executive Order also grants compensatory payments to major meatpackers to offset their losses in sales of hot dogs.
Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney applauded the abolition of Labor Day and its replacement with Capitalist Overlord Day.
“This is a change that we were considering implementing in our own administration. So we applaud Mr. Obama for signing this Executive Order. Despite his innumerable faults, Mr. Obama at least knows on which side his bread is buttered, even if he’s not himself a capitalist overlord like myself.”
Thus, many American workers will be granted one less public holiday every year. Reactions were diverse.
“Well, it’s not until 2015 anyway. That’s a long-time from now,” said Buford Wheeler, 65, of Walla Walla, Washington. “I’ll be retired anyway. So it’s not my problem.”
“I work in retail, so I’ve usually had to work extra hours on Labor Day. At least other people will have to work now too,” said Sarah Bryant, 42, of Cleveland, Ohio. “It’s more fair this way.”
“I’m just hoping they don’t take away Christmas next,” said Jeremy Zapp, 23 of New York. “They’ll probably say it violates the rights of non-Christians and it will be gone too. These are still the good old days.”
“Thank God I live in America” said Jeremy Beaverton, 16, of Beaver Falls, “and not one of those socialist countries.”