By Dan Geddes
WASHINGTON – At his eighty-minute press conference last week, President Donald Trump referred to his administration as a “well-oiled machine” and promised four more years of astonishing government efficiency.
Trump’s first month in office gave the impression of a whirlwind of activity, which for Trump opponents contained a fresh outrage seemingly every day. Meanwhile, Trump supporters saw it all as decisive “CEO style” leadership.
The Trump Administration recently congratulated itself again on the work of deposed National Security Advisor Michael Flynn, the exclusion of the New York Times from the White House press gaggle, and the confirmation of Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos.
Departure of Michael Flynn
Trump spokesman Muddy Waters defended Trump’s appointment of Lieutenant General Michael Flynn and as well as his achievements during his three weeks as National Security Advisor.
“The speed and efficiency with which we are identifying the moles and leakers, both within our administration and within the intelligence agencies, is simply astonishing, just like a well-oiled machine. We have extracted and handed over the knowledge of former NSA Michael Flynn─who did a great job─with unprecedented speed,” according to Trump.
President Trump added that the deposed Flynn had “done a tremendous job. He did amazing things. He will go down in the history books as one of the best national security advisors we’ve ever had. Believe me. I am one of the best Presidents ever for picking National Security Advisors. So I know.”
Excluding CNN and the New York Times from Press Gaggle
The Trump Administration also sees the exclusion of mainstream media from the White House press pool as a major efficiency improvement.
According to Trump: “We have identified one of the major enemies of the people in the mainstream media, which continues to publish lies about our administration. By excluding the failing New York Times and CNN─the CIA News Network─from a recent White House press gag─I mean gaggle─we are streamlining the flow of information from us to you like never before.”
“FOX News and Breitbart are much better at presenting the ‘alternate facts’ for which we are already famous.”
Approving Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education
The approval of Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education is considered yet another major triumph of the administration, according to the Trump administration. “Betsy DeVos has shown that she has the right stuff to streamline the education process,” said Trump spokesman Muddy Waters. “Her husband is an heir to the Amway fortune, so we may see Amway sales techniques taught in schools to help re-stimulate the entrepreneurial spirit of America.”
Waters continued: “DeVos’ brother, Erik Prince, of Blackwater fame, can hopefully help her build a vertically integrated team. Anything Blackwater, or whatever it’s called now, can do to beef up our school systems is welcome. And anything DeVos can do to produce the next generation of private homeland security personnel is a ‘win-win’ for the future of education, which clearly lies in the private sector.”
Police organizations around the country praised the choice of DeVos as Secretary of Education. “Betsy DeVos should be made an honorary member of the fraternal order of police,” according to Cletus McFallon, head of the National Fraternal Order of Police, and chief of police in Dunkard, Wyoming, population 767. “The Princes have already done so much to retrain and rearm my department. We are ready for World War III thanks to them.”
DeVos herself stressed that she is putting the children first: “We also strive to leave No Child Left Behind. But for the ones who are left behind educationally, there should be a place for them in one of the many Blackwater-trained police forces─or whatever they are called now─all across this great nation of ours.”
Conclusion
The first weeks of the Trump Administration have been an assault of surreal attacks on American political norms. We can only brace ourselves for what the next months will bring.
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Dan Geddes is the editor of The Satirist. In addition to satire, Geddes’ serious criticism in The Satirist online has been widely cited in books, English courses, academic papers, newspapers, and websites.