Donald Trump squares off with Mike Bloomberg at 3 p.m. on the playground next to the tennis court.
By Zachary Karem and Penelope Eaton
PARIS, LAS VEGAS — Two of the most popular kids in school, Mikey the Kid Bloomberg and Donny the Lump Trump, will be meeting face-to-face after the big Democratic debate this coming week, and if history is to be trusted, then it’s fair to say it’s going to be a verbal tongue lashing with very little—if any—actual fighting.
Insults will fly, tempers will run high; the candidates will go quip for quip, tit for tat and no one will be turning the other cheek. It’s hard to say when exactly this feud between the ex-besties began but some have speculated and pinpointed it to a fateful day at the school cafeteria late last November. Trump’s father had just flown in his son’s Royale with Cheese and little Donny decided to try his luck at the elites table—Mikey and his N.Y. elites, that is.
To his surprise, and no one else’s, he didn’t fit in. He tried being louder and angrier than the others, by repeatedly shouting his name before the beginning of every sentence. These oddball antics, coupled with his racist denouncements of the soccer and lacrosse programs, (calling them “evil Indian and Mexican juju,”) polarized everyone at the popular table. Some say more than half of the kids at the table hated him so much that they encouraged their friend Bloomy (aka Mikey) to run for student council president and defeat Trump.
The following week, Mikey plastered his face all over the school challenging Trump to run for the student council presidency—which brings us to the upcoming battle of these two geriatric children.
Dr. Rev. Al Sharpton has volunteered to referee because he considers himself a non-biased friend of both parties. The event will be sponsored by Gym Jordan and the Ohio State Wrestling Team. Also in attendance will be other popular kids, including Lester Holt, Chuck Todd and Vanessa Hauc. Of course, reporters for the school paper, the Associated Press and most major news outlets will not be allowed to attend due to concerns over rampant truth-telling and indecent fact-checking in the Fake News Media. To chronicle it all for those who are not in attendance, the Bloomberg Press will be live streaming on Periscope, and Donny the Lump Trump’s Twitter account will be making an in-the-flesh appearance.
Questions, of course, will not be allowed. Vegas is already getting in on the action and has stated the official over under at 5:4 for Trump, although they say that could shift as Bloomberg has paid to paint his face and toned, older body all over the school’s gymnasium. Bloomberg has also purchased ads in the school newspaper for the next three years and will be turning tricks after school for a vote.
The atmosphere is electric as the school awaits this epic showdown. The last time the school saw Donny the Lump Trump in a fighting ring was when he body-slammed that annoying kid, Cooper News Network or CNN to the ground. In other news, the annoying smart Asian kid, Andy Yang, will be dropping out of the race due to the fact that he will be skipping a grade to move on to bigger and better things.